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edogawas

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What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals,and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills.

I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words.

You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands.

Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit.If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue.

But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it.

You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
Shrek 2 Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek 2 script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek 2. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek 2 Script [man's voice] Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy... until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss... of the handsome Prince Charming. [horse whinnies] It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's keep. [crows caw] For he was the bravest, and most handsome... in all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her... [gasps] What? - Princess... Fiona? - No! [sighs relief] Oh, thank heavens. Where is she? - She's on her honeymoon. - Honeymoon? With whom? - She's on her honeymoon. - Honeymoon? With whom? [ Counting Crows: Accidentally In Love] So she said what's the problem, baby? What's the problem? I don't know Well, maybe I'm in love Think about it every time I think 'bout it Can't stop thinking 'bout it How much longer will it take to cure this? Just to cure it, 'cause I can't ignore it If it's love, love Makes me wanna turn around and face me But I don't know nothing 'bout love Oh, come on, come on - [screams] - Turn a little faster Come on, come on The world will follow after Come on, come on Everybody's after love So I said I'm a snowball running Running down into this spring that's coming all this love Melting under blue skies belting out sunlight Shimmering love Well, baby, I surrender To the strawberry ice cream Never ever end of all this love Well, I didn't mean to do it But there's no escaping your love These lines of lightning mean we're never alone Never alone, no, no Come on, come on Jump a little higher Come on, come on If you feel a little lighter Come on, come on We were once upon a time in love Hyah! We're accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love, I'm in love Accidentally in love I'm in love I'm in love It's so good to be home! - [distant singing] - [giggling] Just you and me and... [Donkey sings] - Two can be as bad as one... - Donkey? Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. [chuckles] And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed? Donkey, what are you doing here? Taking care of your love nest for you. Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail and watering the plants? - Yeah, and feeding the fish! - I don't have any fish. You do now. I call that one Shrek and the other Fiona. That Shrek is a rascally devil. Get your... Look at the time. I guess you'd better be going. Don't you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon? Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I'd move in with you. You know we're always happy to see you, Donkey. But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. Say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. - Donkey! - Yes, roomie? You're bothering me. Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess... Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so... Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue or something. He'll be fine. Now, where were we? [giggles] Oh. I think I remember. - Donkey! - [Fiona yelps] I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going. What do you want me to tell these other guys? [fanfare] [ theme to Hawaii Five-O] Enough, Reggie. [clears throat] "Dearest Princess Fiona. "You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away "for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage "at which time the King "will bestow his royal blessing... upon you and your..." uh..."Prince Charming. "Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. "aka Mom and Dad." Mom and Dad? - Prince Charming? - Royal ball? Can I come? - We're not going. - [both] What? I mean, don't you think they might be a bit... shocked to see you like this? [chuckles] Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too. Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club. Stop it. They're not like that. How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance. To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks? No! They just want to give you their blessing. Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? If you want to be a part of this family, yes! Who says I want to be part of this family? You did! When you married me! Well, there's some fine print for you! [exasperated sigh] So that's it. You won't come? Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are not going! And that's final! Come on! We don't want to hit traffic! [Gingy] Don't worry! We'll take care of everything. [all cheer] - Hey, wait for me. Oof! - [glass breaks] [sighs] [ Chic: Le Freak] Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up! Rawhide! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move 'em on! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Rawhide! Ride 'em up! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move 'em on! Rawhide! Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yee-haw! - [Donkey] Are we there yet? - [Shrek] No. - [Donkey] Are we there yet? - [Fiona] Not yet. - [Donkey] OK, are we there yet? - [Fiona] No. - [Donkey] Are we there yet? - [Shrek] No! - [Donkey] Are we there yet? - [Shrek] Yes. - Really? - No! - Are we there yet? - [Fiona] No! - Are we there yet? - [Shrek] We are not! - Are we there yet? - [Shrek & Fiona] No! - Are we there yet? - [Shrek mimics] - That's not funny. That's really immature. - [Shrek mimics] - This is why nobody likes ogres. - [Shrek mimics] - Your loss! - [Shrek mimics] - I'm gonna just stop talking. - Finally! This is taking forever, Shrek. There's no in-flight movie or nothing! The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far... [softly] away! All right, all right, I get it. I'm just so darn bored. Well, find a way to entertain yourself. [sighs] [deep sigh] [clicks tongue] [popping] - [popping] - [exasperated sigh] For five minutes... Could you not be yourself... [shouts]... for five minutes! - [popping] - [shrieks] Are we there yet? - [chuckles] Yes! - Oh, finally! [fanfare] [ Lipps, Inc: Funkytown] Wow! It's going to be champagne wishes and caviar dreams from now on. Hey, good-looking! We'll be back to pick you up later! Gotta make a move to a town that's right for me We are definitely not in the swamp anymore. [whistle] Halt! Well, I talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it Hey, everyone, look. Talk about, talk about movin'... Hey, ladies! Nice day for a parade, huh? You working that hat. [Donkey] Swimming pools! Movie stars! [cheering] [applause] [fanfare] Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband. Well, this is it. - This is it. - This is it. This is it. [fanfare] [fanfare and cheering stop] [gasps] [tweeting] [baby wails] Uh... why don't you guys go ahead? I'll park the car. [chuckles] So... you still think this was a good idea? Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us. - [softly] Who on earth are they? - [softly] I think that's our little girl. That's not little! That's a really big problem. Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell? Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look... [softly] Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches. - They're my parents. - Hello? They locked you in a tower. That was for my own... Good! Here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home. Harold, we have to be... Quick! While they're not looking we can make a run for it. Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna be... A disaster! There is no way... - You can do this. - I really... - Really... - don't... want... to... be... Here! Mom... Dad... I'd like you to meet my husband... Shrek. Well, um... It's easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. [chuckles nervously] [gulps] [belches] - Excuse me. - [Shrek & Fiona laugh] Better out than in, I always say, eh, Fiona? [both giggle] [Shrek] That's good. I guess not. What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. What's happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. - I had the hardest time finding this place. - No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Down! No, Dad! It's all right. It's all right. He's with us. - He helped rescue me from the dragon. - That's me: the noble steed. Waiter! How 'bout a bowl for the steed? Oh, boy. [slurps] - Um, Shrek? - Yeah? Oh, sorry! Great soup, Mrs Q. Mmm! No, no. Darling. [chuckles nervously] Oh! So, Fiona, tell us about where you live. Well... Shrek owns his own land. - Don't you, honey? - Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and... [laughing] What? I know you ain't talking about the swamp. An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children. - [splutters] - [chokes] It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it? - Indeed. I just started eating. - Harold! - What's that supposed to mean? - Dad. It's great, OK? - For his type, yes. - My type? I got to go to the bathroom. - Dinner is served! - Never mind. I can hold it. Bon appetit! Oh, Mexican food! My favorite. Let's not sit here with our tummies rumbling. Everybody dig in. Don't mind if I do, Lillian. I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be... Ogres, yes! Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't eat your own young! Dad! No, we usually prefer the ones who've been locked away in a tower! - Shrek, please! - I only did that because I love her. Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle. You wouldn't understand. You're not her father! It's so nice to have the family together for dinner. - Harold! - Shrek! - Fiona! - Fiona! - Mom! - Harold... Donkey! [glissando] Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily... [both gasp] Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're all grown up. - Who are you? - Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy godmother. - I have a fairy godmother? - Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm here to make it all better. With just a... Wave of my magic wand Your troubles will soon be gone With a flick of the wrist and just a flash You'll land a prince with a ton of cash A high-priced dress made by mice no less Some crystal glass pumps And no more stress Your worries will vanish, your soul will cleanse Confide in your very own furniture friends We'll help you set a new fashion trend - I'll make you fancy, I'll make you great - The kind of girl a prince would date! They'll write your name on the bathroom wall... "For a happy ever after, give Fiona a call!" A sporty carriage to ride in style, Sexy man boy chauffeur, Kyle Banish your blemishes, tooth decay, Cellulite thighs will fade away And oh, what the hey! Have a bichon frisé! ' Nip and tuck, here and there to land that prince with the perfect hair Lipstick liners, shadows blush To get that prince with the sexy tush Lucky day, hunk buffet You and your prince take a roll in the hay You can spoon on the moon With the prince to the tune Don't be drab, you'll be fab Your prince will have rock-hard abs Cheese soufflé, Valentine's Day Have some chicken fricassee! Nip and tuck, here and there To land that prince with the perfect hair Stop! [chuckles] Look... Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but I really don't need all this. [gasps and mutterings of disapproval] - Fine. Be that way. - We didn't like you, anyway. - [knocking] - [Shrek] Fiona? Fiona? [dog barks] Oh! You got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo. Oh, uh... Fairy Godmother, furniture... [giggles] I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? Shrek is the one who rescued me. - But that can't be right. - Oh, great, more relatives! She's just trying to help. Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. - What? - I don't want to leave. When did you decide this? - Shortly after arriving. - Look, I'm sorry... No, that's all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me... happiness... is just a teardrop away. Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy... [laughs] So I see. Let's go, Kyle. - Very nice, Shrek. - What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. You could've at least tried to get along with my father. I don't think I was going to get Daddy's blessing, even if I did want it. Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? You're unbelievable! You're behaving like a... - Go on! Say it! - Like an ogre! Here's a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not... I am an ogre! - [yelps] - [roars] And guess what, Princess? That's not about to change. I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre!" [mimics Shrek roaring] [sniffling] I knew this would happen. [Lillian] You should. You started it. I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He's the ogre. Not me. I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona's choice. But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... thing? Fiona does. And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and... - they were in bloom... - Our first kiss. It's not the same! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a monster! Oh, stop being such a drama king. Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn't it all wonderful! I'd like to know how it could get any worse! - Hello, Harold. - [gasps] - What happened? - Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! [chuckles] I'll just stretch it out here for a while. You better get in. We need to talk. Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. [yawns] Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about... we make this a quick visit. What? Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what's new? You remember my son, Prince Charming? Is that you? My gosh! It's been years. When did you get back? Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert... I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower... Mommy can handle this. He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower... And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married. It wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time. Stop the car! [crash] Harold. You force me to do something I really don't want to do. [gasps] Where are we? Hi. Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy! May I take your order? My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy. Er... okay. Two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo... chili rings... - I'll have the Medieval Meal. - One Medieval Meal and, Harold... - Curly fries? - No, thank you. - Sourdough soft taco, then? - No, really, I'm fine. Your order, Fairy Godmother. This comes with the Medieval Meal. There you are, dear. We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part. [sighs deeply] Indeed not. So, Fiona and Charming will be together. - Yes. - Believe me, Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter... but for your Kingdom. What am I supposed to do about it? Use your imagination. [whooshing] [whinnies] Oh... Come on in, Your Majesty. [piano plays, people talk] I like my town With a little drop of poison Nobody knows... [barman belches] [clears throat] Excuse me. Do I know you? No, you must be mistaking me for someone else. Uh... excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. - Who's the guy? - Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um... He's an ogre. [crowd gasp] Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There's only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly... he don't like to be disturbed. he don't like to be disturbed. Where could I find him? [knock on door] Hello? Who dares enter my room? Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but I'm told you're the one to talk to about an ogre problem? You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. Would... this be enough? You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre. [ Eels: I Need Some Sleep] [snoring] [chimes] Everyone says I'm getting down too low Everyone says you've just gotta let it go You just gotta let it go I need some sleep Time to put the old horse down I'm in too deep And the wheels keep spinning round Everyone says you've just gotta let it go Everyone says you've just gotta let it go Dear Knight, I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. [plays tune] Dear Diary... Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we'll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. [echoing] Mrs. Fiona Charming. [knock on door] Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. No, no. I was just reading a, uh... a scary book. I was hoping you'd let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier. - Okay... - I don't know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over... - Look, Your Majesty, I just... - Please. Call me Dad. Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other. Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona. [sighs] Shall we say, : by the old oak? [birds twitter] [Shrek] Face it, Donkey! We're lost. We can't be lost. We followed the King's instructions exactly. "Head to the darkest part of the woods..." "Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches." - The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey! - We passed that three times already! You were the one who said not to stop for directions. Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona's dad and I end up lost in the woods with you! Don't get huffy! I'm only trying to help. I know! I know. - I'm sorry, all right? - Hey, don't worry about it. I just really need to make things work with this guy. Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with Daddy. [purring] [purring] Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring? What? I ain't purring. Sure. What's next? A hug? Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a... Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! [hisses] Look! A little cat. - Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! - It's a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. Oh! Come here, little kitty. - [screaming] - Whoa! - Hold on, Shrek! I'm coming! - Come on! Get it off! Get it off! Oh, God. Oh... No! - Look out, Shrek! Hold still! - Get it off! Shrek! Hold still! - Did I miss? - No. You got them. Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from... Puss... in Boots! I'll kill that cat! Ah-ha-ha! [coughs] [wheezes] [retches] [coughs] - [chuckles] Hairball. - Oh! That is nasty! What should we do with him? Take the sword and neuter him. Give him the Bob Barker treatment. Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers... Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? The rich King? Sí. [screams] Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. Don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. Gee, thanks. Maybe Fiona would've been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. That's what the King said. Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her. Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just... I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone... "Happiness." "A tear drop away." Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you! Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway? No, Donkey! I need you to cry! Don't go projecting on me. I know you're feeling bad, but you got to... Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litter-licking sack of... What? Is it on? Is it on? [clears throat] This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client. But if you come by the office, we'll be glad to make you an appointment. Have a "happy ever after." Oh... Are you up for a little quest, Donkey? That's more like it! Shrek and Donkey, on another whirlwind adventure! Ain't no stoppin' us now! Whoo! We're on the move! - Stop, Ogre! I have misjudged you. - Join the club. We've got jackets. On my honor, I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life as you have spared me mine. The position of annoying talking animal has already been taken. Let's go, Shrek. Shrek? - Shrek! - Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him... in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly. - Let's keep him! - Say what? [purrs] Ahh! Listen. He's purring! - Oh, so now it's cute. - Come on, Donkey. Lighten up. Lighten up? I should lighten up? Look who's telling who to lighten up! Lighten up? I should lighten up? Look who's telling who to lighten up! [giggles] Shrek! [barks] [barks] Shrek? They're both festive, aren't they? What do you think, Harold? Um... Yes, yes. Fine. Fine. [sighs] Try to at least pretend you're interested in your daughter's wedding ball. Honestly, Lillian, I don't think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball? Mom. Dad. - Oh, hello, dear. - What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming. Mom, have you seen Shrek? I haven't. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He's a little slow this morning. - Can I help you, Your Majesty? - Ah, yes! Um... Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? That would be the dog's breakfast, Your Majesty. Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric. - Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? - No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look for a nice... mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. Oh. You heard that, huh? The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be... well, a bit of a brute. Him? You know, you didn't exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon. Well, what did you expect? Look at what he's done to you. Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me. Darling, I'm just thinking about what's best for you. Maybe you should do the same. [both whisper] No, really? [both laugh] [Shrek] Shh... Oh... [hooter blasts] Oh, no. That's the old Keebler's place. Let's back away slowly. That's the Fairy Godmother's cottage. She's the largest producer of hexes and potions in the whole kingdom. Then why don't we pop in there for a spell? Ha-ha! Spell! [Puss in Boots shrieks with laughter] [Puss in Boots] He makes me laugh. Hi. I'm here to see the... The Fairy Godmother. I'm sorry. She is not in. Jerome! Coffee and a Monte Cristo. Now! [sighs] Yes, Fairy Godmother. Right away. Look, she's not seeing any clients today, OK? That's OK, buddy. We're from the union. The union? We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign. Oh! Oh, right. Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed? Uh... a little. We don't even have dental. They don't even have dental. Okay, we'll just have a look around. Oh. By the way. I think it'd be better if the Fairy Godmother didn't know we were here. - Know what I'm saying? Huh? - Huh? Huh? Huh? - Stop it. - Of course. Go right in. [voices and grinding machines] [explosion] A drop of desire. [giggles] Naughty! A pinch of passion. [laughs] And just a hint of... lust! [laughs] - [Shrek] Excuse me. - [gasps] Sorry to barge in like this... What in Grimm's name are you doing here? Well, it seems that Fiona's not exactly happy. Oh-ho-ho! And there's some question as to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Ah. P, P, P... Princess. Cinderella. Here we are. "Lived happily ever after." Oh... [laughs] No ogres! Let's see. Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. Oh, no ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. The Golden Bird, the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman... No, no, no, no, no! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. All right, look, lady! Don't you point... those dirty green sausages at me! Your Monte Cristo and coffee. Oh! Sorry. Ah... that's okay. We were just leaving. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. Just... go. Come on, guys. [whistles tune] TGIF, eh, buddy? Working hard or hardly working, eh, Mac? Get your fine Corinthian footwear and your cat cheeks out of my face! Man, that stinks! You don't exactly smell like a basket of roses. - Well, one of these has got to help. - I was just concocting this very plan! Already our minds are becoming one. Whoa, whoa. If we need an expert on licking ourselves, we'll give you a call. Shrek, this is a bad idea. Look. Make yourself useful and go keep watch. Puss, do you think you could get to those on top? No problema, boss. In one of my nine lives, I was the great cat burglar of Santiago de Compostela. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Shrek, are you off your nut? Donkey, keep watch. Keep watch? Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too. I'll be giggling to myself. - What do you see? - Toad Stool Softener? I'm sure a nice BM is the perfect solution for marital problems. - Elfa Seltzer? - Uh-uh. - Hex Lax? - No! Try "handsome." Sorry. No handsome. Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"? Well, what does it do? It says "Beauty Divine." In some cultures, donkeys are revered as the wisest of creatures. Especially us talking ones. [gasps] Donkey! That'll have to do. We've got company. Can we get on with this? Hurry! Nice catch, Donkey! Finally! A good use for your mouth. [ Pete Yorn: Ever Fallen In Love] Come on! You spurn my natural emotions You make me feel like dirt and I'm hurt And if I start a commotion I run the risk of losing you and that's worse Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love In love with someone, ever fallen in love In love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love In love with someone, ever fallen in love With someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with Fallen in love with Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with I don't care whose fault it is. Just get this place cleaned up! And somebody bring me something deep fried and smothered in chocolate! - Mother! - Charming. Sweetheart. This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working. Whoa, what happened here? - The ogre, that's what! - What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be king. We'll just have to come up with something smarter. Pardon. Um... Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. What? Oh... I do believe we can make this work to our advantage. "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. "For you and your true love. "If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. "Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." - You both will be fine? - I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too. Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodoo and let's get out of here. It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be? [sneezes] See, you're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again! Boss, just in case there is something wrong with the potion... allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honor to lay my life on the line for you. Oh, no, no. I don't think so. If there'll be any animal testing, I'll do it. That's the best friend's job. Now give me that bottle. How do you feel? I don't feel any different. I look any different? You still look like an ass to me. Maybe it doesn't work on donkeys. - Well, here's to us, Fiona. - Shrek? - You drink that, there's no going back. - I know. - No more wallowing in the mud? - I know. - No more itchy butt crack? - I know! - But you love being an ogre! - I know! But I love Fiona more. Shrek, no! Wait! [gurgling] [farts] Got to be... I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion. Maybe it's a dud. Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. [thunder rumbles] Uh-oh. What did I tell you? I feel something coming on. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die! Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy. I'm melting! I'm melting! It's just the rain, Donkey. [chuckles] Oh. Don't worry. Things seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you. [hisses] lt'll be better in the morning. You'll see... The sun'll come out... Tomorrow [yawns] Bet your bottom... Bet my bottom? I'm coming, Elizabeth! Donkey? Are you all right? - Hey, boss. Let's shave him. - D-Donkey? [groans] [Puss In Boots shrieks] There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? Dad... I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm going to set things right. Ah! Excellent! That's my girl. It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go back to the swamp where we belong. [Lillian] Fiona, please! Let's not be rash, darling. You can't go anywhere right now. [rain patters] [Both] Fiona! Look, I told you he was here. Look at him! Quiet. Look at him. [Shrek groans] Good morning, sleepyhead. [Shrek shouts] [All] Good morning! We love your kitty! - [Shrek] Oh... My head... - Here, I fetched a pail of water. Thanks. Uhh! Aahh! Oh... A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm... I'm... - Gorgeous! - I'll say. I'm Jill. What's your name? - Um... Shrek. - Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? - You're tense. - I want to rub his shoulders. - I got it covered. - I don't have anything to rub. Get in line. Get in line. - Have you seen my donkey? - Who are you calling donkey? - Donkey? You're a... - A stallion, baby! I can whinny. [whinnies] I can count. Look at me, Shrek! I'm trotting! That's some quality potion. What's in that stuff? "Oh, don't take the potion, Mr. Boss, it's very bad." Pah! "Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. "Not intended for heart patients or those with... nervous disorders." I'm trotting, I'm trotting in place! Yeah! What? Señor? "To make the effects of this potion permanent, "the drinker must obtain his true love's kiss by midnight." Midnight? Why is it always midnight? - Pick me! I'll be your true love! - I'll be your true love. I'll be true... enough. Look, ladies, I already have a true love. [all] Oh... And take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess. And let's face it. You are a lot easier on the eyes. Inside you're the same old mean, salty... - Easy. ...cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been. And you're still the same annoying donkey. - Yeah. - [sighs] Well... Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me. First things first. - We need to get you out of those clothes. - [all gasp] - Ready? - Ready! - [Donkey screams] - Driver, stop! Oh, God! Help me, please! My racing days are over! I'm blind! Tell the truth. Will I ever play the violin again? You poor creature! Is there anything I can do for you? Well, I guess there is one thing. Take off the powdered wig and step away from your drawers. - Not bad. - Not bad at all. [both laugh] Father? Is everything all right, Father? Thank you, gentlemen! Someday, I will repay you. Unless, of course, I can't find you or if I forget. - [whinnies] - [Puss in Boots, in angry Spanish] [ Butterfly Boocher: Changes] [ Butterfly Boocher: Changes] Oh, yeah Turn and face the strange Ch-Ch-Changes Don't wanna be a richer one Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes Turn and face the strange Ch-Ch-Changes Just gonna have to be a different man Time may change me But I can't trace time Halt! Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her. Still don't know what I was looking for And my time was running wild, a million dead-end streets Every time I thought I'd got it made It seemed the taste was not so sweet - [screams] - Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes Turn and face the strange - Shrek? - Ch-Ch-Changes Don't wanna be a richer one Time may change me But I can't trace time Fiona? Hello, handsome. Shrek! - Princess! - Donkey? Wow! That potion worked on you, too? What potion? Shrek and I took some magic potion. And well... Now, we're sexy! Shrek? [purrs] For you, baby... I could be. - Yeah, you wish. - Donkey, where is Shrek? He went inside looking for you. Shrek? Fiona! Fiona! You want to dance, pretty boy? Are you going so soon? Don't you want to see your wife? Fiona? Shrek? Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. Fiona? - Charming? - Do you think so? [laughs] Dad. I was so hoping you'd approve. - Um... Who are you? - Mom, it's me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? [Shrek in distance] Fiona! Fiona! Fiona! - Fiona! - Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don't think they can hear us, pigeon. [sighs deeply] Don't you think you've already messed her life up enough? I just wanted her to be happy. And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She's finally found the prince of her dreams. But look at me. Look what I've done for her. It's time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She's a princess, and you're an ogre. That's something no amount of potion will ever change. But... I love her. If you really love her... you'll let her go. [ Nick Cave: People Ain't No Good] [ Nick Cave: People Ain't No Good] Shrek? Señor. What's going on? Where are you going? You wouldn't have had anything to do with this, would you, Harold? People just ain't no good I think that's well understood There you go, boys. Just leave the bottle, Doris. Hey. Why the long face? It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. I hate Mondays. I can't believe you'd walk away from the best thing that happened to you. What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. Come on. Is he really that good-looking? Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was carved by angels. - Oh. He sounds dreamy. - You know... shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. Look, guys. It's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. Except for you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. Aye. And that's why I have to let her go. Excuse me, is she here? She's, uh... in the back. Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. You'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming. - FYI, not my fault. - No, of course it's not, dear. I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre? No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? - [both] What? - You can't force someone to fall in love! I beg to differ. I do it all the time! Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. - Umm... no. - What did you say? I can't. I won't do it. Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it? - No. - Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. He's all high in the front. He can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back. Oh. Thank you, Mother. [Donkey] Mother? Um... Mary! A talking horse! The ogre! Stop them! Thieves! Bandits! Stop them! (Announcer) The abs are fab and it's gluteus to the maximus here at tonight's Far, Far Away Royal Ball blowout! The coaches are lined up as the cream of the crop pours out of them like Miss Muffet's curds and whey. Everyone who's anyone has turned out to honor Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. And, oh my, the outfits look gorgeous! Look! Hansel and Gretel! What the heck are the crumbs for? And right behind them, Tom Thumb and Thumbelina! - Oh, aren't they adorable! - [screaming] [woman] Here comes Sleeping Beauty! Tired old thing. Who's this? Who's this? Who is this? Oh. It's the one, it's the only... It's the Fairy Godmother! Hello, Far, Far Away! Can I get a whoop whoop? May all your endings be happy and... Well, you know the rest! We'll be right back with the Royal Far, Far Away Ball after these messages. I hate these ball shows. They bore me to tears. Flip over to Wheel Of Torture! I'm not flipping anywhere, sir, until I see Shrek and Fiona. Whizzes on you guys. Hey, mice, pass me a buffalo wing! No, to your left. Your left! - Tonight on "Knights"... - Now here's a good show! We got a white bronco heading east into the forest. Requesting backup. It's time to teach these madcap mammals their "devil may mare" attitudes just won't fly. Why you grabbing me? Police brutality! I have to talk to Princess Fiona! - We warned you! - Ow! Ow! Did someone let the cat out of the bag? You capitalist pig dogs! [shrieks] - Catnip! - That's not mine. Find Princess Fiona! I'm a donkey! Tell her Shrek... I'm her husband, Shrek! Quick! Rewind it! I'm her husband, Shrek! Ow! [knock on door] Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball? I'm not going. The whole Kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage. There's just one problem. That's not my husband. I mean, look at him. Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother. Change? He's completely lost his mind! Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Shrek. But it's the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I'd give anything to have him back. Darling. That's mine. Decaf. Otherwise I'm up all night. Thanks. I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! You can't lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent! You have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity. I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad. Shrek? Donkey? Too late. Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here! Oh... [ Theme from Mission Impossible] Fire in ze hole! [explosion, rumbling] Look out below! Quick! Tell a lie! - What should I say? - Anything, but quick! Say something crazy like "I'm wearing ladies' underwear!" I am wearing ladies' underwear. - Are you? - I most certainly am not! It looks like you most certainly am are! - I am not! - What kind? - It's a thong! - Oww! They're briefs! - Are not. - Are too! - Are not! - Are too! Here we go. Hang tight. [Donkey] Wait, wait, wait! Ow! Ow! Hey, hey, hey! Ow! - Excuse me? - What? Puss! Pardon me, would you mind letting me go? - Sorry, boss. - Quit messing around! We've got to stop that kiss! I thought you was going to let her go. I was, but I can't let them do this to Fiona. Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's coming around! It's impossible! We'll never get in. The castle's guarded. There's a moat and everything! Folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick. - What? - Do you still know the Muffin Man? Well, sure! He's down on Drury Lane. Why? Because we're gonna need flour. Lots and lots of flour. Gingy! Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man! We've got a big order to fill! [evil chuckle] [Gingy] It's alive! [rattling] [gasping] [whinnies] Run, run, run, as fast you can! [screaming] Go, baby, go! There it is, Mongo! To the castle! [Shrek] No, you great stupid pastry! Come on! [all shout] [Donkey] Mongo! Down here! Look at the pony! That's right! Follow the pretty pony! Pretty pony wants to play at the castle! [Mongo] Pretty pony. Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Fiona and her new husband, Prince Shrek. [applause, cheering] Shrek, what are you doing? I'm just playing the part, Fiona. Is that glitter on your lips? Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to taste? - Ugh! What is with you? - But, Muffin Cake... [piano plays] C Minor, put it in C Minor. Ladies and gentlemen. [applause, cheering] I'd like to dedicate this song to... Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance? Where have all the good men gone And where are all the gods? [all chant] Dance! Where's the streetwise Hercules To fight the rising odds? Since when do you dance? Fiona, my dearest, if there's one thing I know, it's that love is full of surprises. Late at night I toss and I turn And I dream of what I need Hit it! I need a hero All right, big fella! Let's crash this party! Man the catapults! Aim! Fire! - Brace yourselves! - Ooh! Purty! [groaning] Not the gumdrop button! [enraged howling] Incoming! Ha-ha! All right! Somewhere after midnight In my wildest fantasy Go, Mongo! Go! Man the cauldrons! After you, Mongo. - That's it! Heave-ho! - Watch out! Shrek! More heat, less foam! Up where the mountains Meet the heavens above Out where the lightning Splits the sea I could swear there is someone Somewhere watching me Heave! Ho! [Gingy, slow-motion] No...! [Mongo groans] [whistles] Come on! [cheering] Look out! - Be good. - [weeping bitterly] [sobbing] He needs me! Let me go! Donkey! Puss! Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go! Today, I repay my debt. [all] Aww... [growling] On guard! He's gotta be strong And he's gotta be fast And he's gotta be fresh From the fight - I need a hero - Stop! [Donkey whinnies] - Hey, you! Back away from my wife. - Shrek? You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone. - Now! - Pigs und blanket! Pinocchio! Get the wand! I see London! I see France! Whah! I'm a real boy! Ah! Ah! Aaahhh! Catch! Donkey! Oh! I'm a real boy. Aah! Oh! - Ha! - Ah. That's mine! Pray for mercy, from Puss... And Donkey! She's taken the potion! Kiss her now! No! - Hi-ya! - [crowd gasp] - Fiona. - Shrek. Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. - [Charming] Mommy! - Mommy? [growls] I told you. Ogres don't live happily ever after. [screams] Woo! Ha! [breathes deeply] [gasping] Oh, Dad! [sobbing] - Is he...? - Yup. [croaking] He croaked. Harold? Dad? I'd hoped you'd never see me like this. - And he gave you a hard time! - Donkey! No, no, he's right. I'm sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now... she already has it. Shrek, Fiona... Will you accept an old frog's apologies... and my blessing? Harold? I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve. You're more that man today than you ever were... warts and all. [ribbits] [clock chimes] [clock chimes] Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? - What? - Because if you kiss me now... we can stay like this. You'd do that? - For me? - Yes. I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after... with the ogre I married. Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! [sobbing] [clock chimes] Whoa! No. No, no. Aaah! Ow. Oh, no. [sighs] [laughs] Hey. You still look like a noble steed to me. [giggles] Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. [giggling] [applause] Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta? Uno, dos, quatro, hit it! [ Eddie Murphy/Antonio Banderas: Livin' La Vida Loca] [ Eddie Murphy/Antonio Banderas: Livin' La Vida Loca] Puss and Donkey, y'all... She's into superstitions Black cats and voodoo dolls - Sing it, Puss! - I feel a premonition That girl's gonna make me fall Here we go! She's into new sensations New kicks in the candlelight She's got a new addiction For every day and night She'll make you take your clothes off And go dancing in the rain She'll make you live her crazy life But she'll take away your pain Like a bullet to your brain Upside inside out Living la vida loca Hey gorgeous! Living la vida loca Her lips are devil red And her skin's the color of mocha She will wear you out - Living la vida loca - [Donkey] She livin' it loca! Living la vida loca - [Donkey] Say it one more time now! - Living the vida loca [Puss in Boots jamming] [Puss in Boots] Hey, Donkey, that's Spanish! She'll push and pull you down Living la vida loca She will wear you out Living la vida loca Living la vida loca She'll push and pull you down Living the vida loca Her lips are devil red And her skin's the color of mocha She will wear you out Living la vida loca Living la vida loca Living la vida loca Living la vida loca All by myself All by myself Don't wanna be All by myself anymore... Amigo, we are off to the Kit-Kat Club. Come on, join us. Thanks, compadre. I'm... I'm not in the mood. We will cheer you up! Find you a nice burro! [shrieking] Hey, baby! Hey, that's my girl! Yeah! All right! Baby, where you been? - [cries] - I'm sorry, too. I should've stayed. But Shrek had this thing he had to do. What? Say it one more time. What you talking about? Are you serious? - [cooing] - [gasping] - Papa! - [screaming] - [cooing, squealing] - [chuckling] Look at our little mutant babies! [Donkey] I got to get a job. [Donkey] I got to get a job. Special help by SergeiK
Script 1 Survival of the fittest. It's the law of the jungle. There's always someone trying to take what's yours. How do I know? It almost happened to me. Tim Templeton... quit monkeying around. Hot dogs are getting cold. Hot dogs? At least, this is how I remember it. All right, buddy, let's eat. You see, I was seven years old... and back then, you relied on your imagination. When I wasn't exploring the Congo... I was a deep sea diver. Tim! Our hero! Don't worry, Mom and Dad. I got this! Grab on! Some days, I rescued my parents. That way! Other days, they rescued me. - I'm losing control. - Tim, look out! Tree! You're breaking up! Slow down, Tim! - Turn, Tim. - Turn! - Are you hurt? - I'm okay. Show Mommy your teeth. It was just the three of us. The Templetons. And three is the perfect number. Interesting fact... did you know that the triangle is the strongest shape found in nature? I was the luckiest kid ever. My parents even had cool jobs. They worked for the biggest pet company in the world... Puppy Co. - Yes, Mr. Francis? - Puppy Co needs you. It's go time. They worked in a department called "Marketing..." where they got to launch new products. Even though my parents worked really hard... they still made just enough time for me. Three stories, five hugs, and my special song, right? You got it! Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting For this moment to arise Hey, Tim. How would you like to have a baby brother? No, thanks. I'm enough. Life was good. Life was perfect. But as I drifted off to sleep... something my parents said got me thinking. Where do babies come from? The day I got a little brother started like any other day... but little did I know... my life would never be the same. Wake up, little halflings! It's 7:00 a.m. Wake up, little halflings! Morning, Wizzie! What great adventure lies in wait for you today? Oh, yeah! My parents always said that I had an overactive imagination. But I clearly remember... the baby was delivered in a taxi. What the... Hey! Tim, look who's here. Meet your new baby brother. Baby what? Brother. I had a million questions. Who is this guy? Why is he here? What's with that outfit? Why's he so fat? Why's he staring at me? Does he know karate? What's going on? That way? - Okay. - Okay. Right from the start, he was yelling at people... ordering everyone around. Oh, you want this? One thing was clear. He was the boss. He set up his office, right smack dab in the middle of the house. He conducted meetings. - You called? - Do you need Seor Squeaky? Lots and lots of meetings. Even in the middle of the night. I'm up! I'm up! - We're coming! - We'll be right there! If things weren't done to his immediate satisfaction... he had a fit. - Where's the bottle? - He has to have his bottle! He had everyone wrapped around his chubby little finger. Everyone except for me. - Diaper! - Bottle! Dad! I can't sleep. I know, bud. Me neither. The baby needs a lot of attention right now. Okay, good talk! - But... - It's okay. Daddy's here. Daddy's here. What about me? The year: 2057. Ensign T-Rex and I are investigating a hostile alien invasion. It's so much worse than we thought. Mom, he's naked! I'm naked! Say "naked." No! Who's Mommy's little cutie? Are you Mommy's little cutie? No, he's Daddy's little tough guy, right? You know one of us has to go with Mr. Francis to the pet convention. In Vegas. - You know what? You should go. - No, no. You should go. Well, you need a break. - I'll stay with the baby, and you... - Maybe the baby should decide. Who do you want to stay with you? Daddy or Mommy? Or Daddy? He wants his mommy. Okay, we need to talk! In private. - Sure. - About what, bud? About the b-a-b-e-e. "Y," Tim. Why? Because he came out of nowhere! We don't even know him. How can we trust him? Come on, he's just a baby. Seriously? I'm the only one that thinks there's something weird about this guy? - Oopsie! I got it. - Five-second rule. Tim? Look at him! He wears a suit! I know. Isn't it cute? He's like a little man. He carries a briefcase. Does no else think that's... I don't know, a little freaky? Well, you carried Lam-Lam around until you were like... This is not about Lam-Lam. All babies are different, Tim. And each one is special. He's taking over the whole house! Are you taking over the house? Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Trust me, one day you're gonna get to know this little guy... and you are gonna love him with all of your heart. Just like we do. All of your heart? Never. Hello! It's time for my three stories, five hugs, and special song! How about one story... three hugs, and my special song? Just my special song? Mom? Dad? Hey. What happened to bedtime? We'll have it on Monday, Mr. Francis. Don't cry! Don't cry. Hello? Hello? No, ma'am, not yet. No, I'm not making excuses. Yes, ma'am, I know I've been here a long time. Believe me, it feels like my whole life. I'm making great progress with the parents already. The usual procedure, sleep deprivation, hunger strikes. They're very disoriented. I've got them eating out of the palm of my hand. They do everything for me. It's hilarious. But I think the kid might be on to me. No, I can handle him. I know how important this mission is to the company. Mission? Well, trust me, ma'am. You got the right baby for this job. Hands up, devil baby! Fart! Poop! Doodie! I've gotta deal with the k-i-d. You can talk! Uh, goo-goo Ga-ga. No, you can really talk. I heard you! Fine. I can talk. Now, let's see if you can listen. Get me a double espresso... and see if there's someplace around here with decent sushi. I'd kill for a spicy tuna roll right about now. Get yourself a little something. Who are you? Let's just say I'm the boss. The boss? You're a baby! You wear a diaper. You know who else wears diapers? Astronauts and NASCAR drivers, that's who. It's called efficiency, Templeton. The average toddler spends, what? 45 hours a year on the potty? I'm the boss. I don't have that kind of spare time. Well, you're not the boss of me. - I am the boss of you. - No, you're not. - Am, too. - Are not. - Am, too! - Are not! - Am, too. - Are not! - Am, too. - Are not! Am, too. Am, too. I was here first. Just wait until Mom and Dad find out about this. Oh, yeah? You think they'd pick you over me? With your track record? You don't know anything about me. So that's how you wanna play it, huh? Let's see. Templeton, Timothy. Middle name.... I'm sorry. Leslie! - Mostly C's... - How do you know all that? Can't ride a bike without training wheels? Even bears can ride a bike without training wheels, Leslie. DOB says you're seven. Seven and a half. Power nap! You were saying? I'm seven and a half. Exactly! You're old. It's time to make way for the next generation. It's the way of the world. You would never ask your parents for an old toy. Lam-Lam? Everyone wants the hot, new thing. Destroy. Destroy. - Lam-Lam! - I've got fresh batteries. Boom! Mom and Dad don't even know you. They love me! Oh, yeah? Do the math, kid. There's only so much love to go around. It's like these beads. You used to have all your parents' love. All their time. All their attention. You had all the beads. But then I came along. Babies take up a lot of time. They need a lot of attention. They get all the love. We could share. You obviously didn't go to business school. Look, Templeton, the numbers just don't add up. There's not enough love for the two of us. Not enough beads to go around. And then, all of a sudden, there's no place for Tim. Tim doesn't fit anymore. Oh, no! What about Tim? So keep quiet. Stay out of my way. Or there's gonna be cutbacks. You can't be fired from your own family. Can you? Wake up, little halflings! It's 7:00 a.m. Wake up, little half... What's the use? Arise for a nutritious breakfast! It's 7:00 a.m. What's wrong, Timothy? Has that little dwarf made you blue? Mm-hmm. Then I shall cast upon him a great curse! He shall not pass! It's no use, Wizzie. He's got Mom and Dad completely fooled. If they knew what I knew, they'd never let him stay. Perhaps your parents need to be enlightened. With a great curse! They shall not pass! Yeah. I need to enlighten them... with proof! That's what I need, proof! Expose his dark magic! Testing, testing. Testing, testing. Maybe they can return him to the store... and get their money back! We could buy a bouncy house! Godspeed, Tim! It's 8:45 a.m. Ninja. Ninja. Ninja. Ninja. Babies everywhere! They're spreading. Mom! Dad! What's going on? It's an invasion! It's a play date! That's a keeper. It's a meeting, and you won't be attending. We'll see about that. Thank you all for coming here on such short notice. Now, before we begin... Yes, sir! - Sure is! - Affirmative! Jimbo, run some interference. Hey! - We babies are having a crisis! - Oh, no! - That's awful! - Horrible! What is it? It's simpler if I just show you. Teddy, if you please. Let's put on a show. Here we go! Jimbo, hit the lights. You see, babies aren't getting as much love as we used to. Why? Have we been bad? No, Staci. But I'll tell you who is. Behold our mortal enemy. Puppies! No! That's exactly the problem. Puppies? What's the deal with puppies? Throughout history... people have loved babies more than anything in the world. We've always been a must-have item... number one on every wish list. Puppies were merely accessories. But all that changed when the puppies began coming out... with new designer models. Each one more adorable than the last. Remember the Labradoodle? The Peekapoo? The Chiweenie? Try to say "Chiweenie" without smiling. Not possible. Don't waste your time. We all laughed at the Shar Pei. And now it's number one in China. - Oh, no. - That's terrible! - Horrible! - Yes. And it gets even worse. Francis Francis, the CEO of Puppy Co, made this announcement. Teddy, roll the clip. And we are on schedule... to release the most adorable puppy ever. We're gonna launch it at the pet convention in Las Vegas! Watch out, world! It's gonna crush the competition! - Yay! - No, Jimbo. No "Yay"! We are the competition! This is war. Puppies are winning, and babies are losing. Thank you, Teddy. And if this new puppy is as cute as we fear... it could put the baby business out of business, baby. That's awful! Bad news, baby! What are we going to do? My job is to find out exactly what that new puppy is... so that Baby Corp can stop it. And you're going to help me. - Genius! - Home run! You still got it, boss! Yay! Yay. Now, your parents all work for Puppy Co. So have you learned anything from them? - Yes, sir! - Sure did! Fantastic. Triplets, go! - A. - B. - C. - D. No, what have you learned about the new puppy? Yay, puppy! No, Jimbo! Puppies are evil. Staci, read back the notes. I can't read. What's it say? This is my team? A muscle-head, a bunch of yes men, and a doodler? - Exactly! - Affirmative! Good call. - Oh, yeah! - Nice one, BB! Gotcha! Put that cookie down. Cookies are for closers. - Let's have another show! - No, Teddy! - How about a hug? - No more shows! Boss? - There's plenty of love to go around. - Go to sleep! Nighty-night. - Boss! - Boss! - What? - Parents! It's like they're having their own little meeting. - Isn't that adorable? - Who wants dessert? God, this is so humiliating. God, this is so humiliating. Wait until Mom and Dad hear this. Hey, Templeton, what you got there? Nothing. Hand over the tape. Never! Mom! Dad! Over here! - Hi, Timmy! - Hi! Anyway... Flower power! You can't get away from Johnny Law, simpleton. Fasten your seat belt. Let's go! Run, run, run. What? Hey! Uh-oh. Run, run, run. Catch, catch, catch. Yes! Oh, yeah! Let go, you little... Oh, look! The kids are finally getting along. That's nice. Sayonara! You wanna play? Let's play. No! Save Boss! Save Boss! - Get him! - I got him! - I got him! - I got him! You're toast, baby man! Upsies, I need upsies! Who wants... Cheese sticks! Mom, Dad! I've got proof! Someone can't go down the stairs? Nothing can stop me! Mom! Dad! Where are you guys? Hello? Where did everyone go? Mom, Dad! The baby can talk! Oh, can he now? Wait, how did you... Hand over the tape, Timmy. Or Lam-Lam gets it, see? No! What's that, Lam-Lam? You want a nose ring? It's really not my scene, but who am I to judge? And an eyebrow ring? Seems like a little too much, Lam-Lam. How's that gonna look in a job interview? Stop it! The tape, Timmy! Or I'm gonna rip, rip, rip. No! Let go! - You let go! - You let go! - Give me the tape! - Give me Lam-Lam! Whoops! Too far. Templeton! Templeton, let's be reasonable. We can be reasonable, right? What are you doing? You've been asking for this since you got here! We can talk about this over a juice box! Time for juice boxes is over. No, Templeton. You wouldn't. Say bye-bye, baby! You're fired! What are you doing? Nothing. My proof! Tim! Explain yourself! Yes, explain yourself. It wasn't me! It was the baby's fault. The baby's fault? It's true! He can talk. They all can talk. They were having a meeting. There's something about puppies. It's one big baby con-spy-racy! Timothy Leslie Templeton! We are very disappointed in you. - No, we're mad at you! - Exactly, we're mad at you. - Mad? - You need a time-out! - You're grounded! - Yes, grounded! - For two... - Three! - Three days? - Weeks! Weeks! Three weeks! For three... evers! Grounded? You're gonna stay in this house with your baby brother... until you learn to get along. Great. It was my first time behind bars. The big house. The lock-up. Grounded for life. The minutes turned into hours, the hours into days. Every man has his breaking point. This was mine. Blackbird singing in the dead of night - Take these broken wings and learn to fly - Hey, that's my song. All your life You were only waiting For this moment to arise It's okay, little halfling. Perhaps I can be of some assistance. Blackbird singing in the dead of night! Pray, take these broken wings and learn to fly! Fly, you fools! Thanks, Wizzie. But it's not the same. If only I could reach my magical shank. I could break us out of this big house. Templeton! Templeton, we have to talk. Go away. Blackbird singing in the dead of night Stop it! That's my song, not yours. My parents wrote it just for me. Really? Your parents are Lennon and McCartney? No, Ted and Janice. You don't even know their names! You're just trying to steal them from me. You stole everything! You're the one who should be in jail! Look, it's time we put our differences aside. Have you been... No! Where's HR when you need them? Take it. I don't want your filthy money. Look, I told you to stay out of my way. I can't! You're in my house. I don't wanna be here... any more than you want me to be here. Then why are you torturing me? The truth is I'm no ordinary baby. Well, no kidding. I'm on a mission from above. Are you the Baby Jesus? Yes. I'm the Baby Jesus. No! You see, I'm more middle management for the company. The company? What company? Here. Take this. It'll explain everything. What do you want me to do with that? - I want you to suck it. - You suck it! No, it's for you to suck. I'm not sucking that! - Suck it. - I don't know where it's been! It's not where it's been. It's where it will take you. Don't you wanna know... where babies really come from? Binky. Papish. Nuk-Nuk. Boo-Boo. Bo-Bo. Bah-Bah. Chupie. Hushie-Baby. Tootsie. It goes by many names. But through its power, you will know the truth. Come on, faster! Mommy! Where are we? Welcome to Baby Corp! No way. - Thank you. - What? Relax. They can't see us or hear us. - We're, like, virtual and stuff? - Yep. - You mean they won't feel this? - Nope. - Or this? - Nada. Karate! Don't embarrass yourself, Templeton. I can still see you. So this is where babies come from? Where'd you think, the cabbage patch? Magic fairies? No, my parents told me that... What? No. That's disgusting. Yeah, it didn't sound right to me, either. I can't believe my parents didn't tell me about this. If people knew where babies really came from, they'd never have one. Same thing with hot dogs, by the way. Going upsies! So how come I don't remember this place? You did. But after normal babies get their pacifiers taken away... you forget all about Baby Corp. How come you're not normal? A few of us, the best of the best... are selected for the... For the ultimate honor. Upper management. This, Templeton, is where all the action is. Nap time in Sector G. So this whole place is run by babies? Yep. My Dad says, "Those who can, do." "And those who can't, supervise." Your father is a hippy. What happens when you grow up? We don't. We drink a super-secret baby formula that keeps us babies forever. Back to work! Formula break is over! We're in a crisis here! Don't you know we're in a crisis here? Who is that? That is my boss. Big Boss Baby. What is she screaming about? Well, see this pie chart? Wow, it looks like a giant pie. It represents all the love there is in the world. - I love pie. - Who doesn't? - Apple. - Fine. - No, cherry! - Perfect! - Not pumpkin. - Okay. That's a vegetable. Point is, the puppies' slice is getting bigger and bigger. They're stealing all our love! Just like you did to me. Exactly. And if this keeps up... there might not be enough pie left for babies. No pie? No pie. So, my mission is to find out what this new puppy is. So you're, like, on a spy mission? Cool! Yes! Cool! And if... When I succeed... I'll become a Baby Corp legend. Like Super Big Boss Baby, Mega Boss Baby... Seriously Big Boss Baby... and him. Now that's a big, fat baby. No, that's Big Fat Boss Baby. This is Super Colossal Big Fat Boss Baby. He was the youngest Chief Executive Infant in the history of the company. Was? What happened to him? Retired, years ago. But I still try and live up to his legend. In every situation, I ask myself... "W-W-S-C-B-F-B-B-D? "What Would Super Colossal Big Fat Boss Baby Do?" So that's all you get? Your picture on the wall? Come here! I'll get a promotion. The corner office... with my own private potty. Wow. So when you're done, you're coming back here? A-S-A-P, T-i-m. I'm not a family man. I belong behind a desk. - That's awesome! - I know, right? - Pew pew. - What? So help me, I will nail his diaper to the wall! Have we heard anything from that little Boss Baby... that we sent down to the Templetons? - I don't know. - You're fired! Oh, no. You're all fired! The pet convention is in two days. If he doesn't come up with answers... he is fired, retired! - Gone! - Tour's over. What was Big Bossy Baby Lady screaming about? She's demanding actual results. The pet convention is in two days, and I've got nothing! That's her! Don't answer it! Stress nap! If I don't find out what that new puppy is and fast... not only will I not get that promotion... I could get fired! Hey, relax. I'm sure there's other cool jobs for babies, right? Meanwhile, two days goes by like that. You better start packing. What? You don't get it, Templeton. If I'm fired, they'll take away my formula. I will turn into a normal baby... and live here forever with you. - No! - Yes! And I promise you this... Every morning you wake up... I'll be there. Every night, at dinner... I'll be there. Every birthday party... I'll be there. Every Christmas! I'll be there Year after year after year. We will grow old together. You and I... will be brothers. Always. - No. No, this is terrible! - I know. - This can't be happening. - But it is! - You can't stay here! - I can't! - Don't panic! - But it feels right! I know, but we have to fix this. We have to make sure you don't get fired. We? We. I will help you... but just to get rid of you. Deal? Deal. Here's to never seeing you again. Back at ya, baby. Now let's get to work. Come on, come on, come on. Slice! No, no. There's nothing here about a new puppy. Aren't you gonna do any work? I'm very busy delegating. He drains it! So once we find the file on the new puppy... what do we do then? Send in the baby ninjas? Even better. I'm going to write the perfect memo. - Boom! - Boom! Wait. What's a memo? A memo is something you write to give people information. That's your plan? You're gonna write a book report? That's so boring. No, Templeton. Memos are for important things. A memo can bring people together. A memo can be a call to arms... a manifesto, a poem. A memo can change the world. Wow! When you explain it like that... it still sounds boring. You'll learn, kid. You'll learn. Wait a second. This is it! What? What is it? Check this out. Take Your Kid to Work Day. People take children to a place of business? Why? Because it's awesome! It's disgusting. Don't you see? We can get inside Puppy Co... and find out what the new puppy is! What's the point? You're grounded. Your parents aren't going to take us anywhere. You're right. They think we hate each other. Hate is a strong word. It's the right word, but still. We have to convince them that we're actual brothers. Right. That we... Loathe? No. Like! No. That we... La, la, la... Le, Le, Le... No. No way. No. You don't mean... Love each other. I just threw up a noodle and swallowed it. - Here comes the choo-choo train! - No. - Choo, choo, chugga, chugga. - No choo-choo! Hold the train! No! It looks like it's already been eaten! Who's there? I got a racket! What's going on in here? I'm just feeding the baby. They're watching. Choo-choo. Okay. Choo-choo on that. I don't wear nautical. It's not even Friday! Come on, you're putting this thing on! You gonna make me? You can't make me, punk. - What have you done to me? - Stop! - Get back here! - No! No way. Come on! Tim, what are you doing in here? Oh, no. Hey, what's all the racket? Isn't he adorable? I've got one for you, too! Ahoy, matey! What? Bummer. Smile! Smile for the camera. It makes me feel weak. - Who's ticklish? - It doesn't work on me. - Here? - I'm dead down there. Come on, everyone has a tickle spot. "'I don't think I'll fit,' said Gretel." Come here, look at this. "'I could get in myself.' "And then, Hansel and Gretel... "pushed the wicked old woman into the oven. "And the godless witch was miserably burnt to death." Let me get this straight. The story is about cannibalism and burning people alive. Yeah. No wonder kids are so messed up! Getting along is exhausting. Back at ya, Tim. You should have seen your face in that picture. You were all... I'm not used to being tickled. Once at a corporate retreat. But those things always get weird. What? You've never been tickled? What about your parents? I'm sorry. I forgot. You didn't have parents, did you? Tim, I may look like a baby... but I was born all grown up. I can't even imagine not being a kid. You missed out on your whole childhood? You never had someone to love you? You can't miss what you never had. Wake up, little halflings! Hey, Tim. Wake up, buddy. - What? - Rise and shine! Is something wrong? Am I fired? No, you're late for work. What? It's Take Your Kid to Work Day! And you're the kid. You're officially un-grounded. - Really? - Really. Can the baby come, too? I don't see why not. Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Yeah! I wish I was that excited for work. Look, it's my spatula. Yeah, baby. All right, gentlemen. Welcome to Puppy Co. Wow! This is awesome! And Tim, look! They have a puppy pool and everything! Isn't that sanitary? Hey, bud, you wanna get a picture with Puppy Co Pete? No, thanks. It's probably too scary for the baby. Nice call. Your dad and I have some work to do. You wanna come up to the office and hang out with us? We'll stick your brother in the Puppy Zone... while we have a little Tim time. Tim time? Dad and I know we haven't been able to do as much with you as we used to. So, what do you say? No, thanks. I'd rather spend time with the baby. - So cute. - That's so sweet. Way to keep your eyes on the prize, Templeton. We find out what the new puppy is, and I go home. You guys stay in the Puppy Zone, okay? Okay, bye! That's where we'll find the secret file on the new puppy. We'll never get through that door. No, not that door. The doggy door. But how do we get past the guard? No, no, no. No way. No! Itchy, plushy, puppy pants! What a cute, little pup... Ow! Yay! Kids. Get down. All the way down. I've never been so humiliated in all my life. Arf! Hey! Fetch! What am I doing? Oh, no! Yes! What a good boy. No. No biting. Timothy Templeton, office ninja. - Over here. - What is it? It's gotta be in here. It's begging us to go in. Wow. That's a lot of paperwork. I thought puppies shredded everything. This is getting creepy. I've come for your soul. Cut it out! Wait! That's it! The file! See! I was right. No. I've seen this before somewhere. We've gotta find something to replace it with. You're right. Like another file. Yes! A file with the same weight. So it can be placed in the exact same position. - With the exact same weight. - You already said that. I know I said it. Hey, you hit me twice. Make it a third time. Wait! I think I've seen one here. Smead manila, pressboard edges. About 50 ounces. No, 49. Try this one. Wait! Now it's perfect. Yes! I feel like we should run. I know, but it's just so mesmerizing. I kind of wanna see how it ends. Yeah, me too. Well, that didn't end well. What? What the...? Thanks for dropping in, kids. Francis Francis? I see you've met my big brother, Eugene. A man of few words. None, in fact. Can you put your head back on, please? What is all this? Surprise! A Baby Corp binky? Where did you get that? You don't recognize me? Perhaps from my youth! Super Colossal Big Fat Boss Baby? He is him? And him is you? Except older and wrinklier. That's not right. No. You were my hero! How did you end up here? You know what I do to little kids who ask lots of questions about me? Eugene! I read them my story. And, I baked cookies! Eugene, my chair. Now, it all started at Baby Corp... a long, long time ago. I was a hotshot executive... headed straight to the top. Everyone loved me. They gave me a promotion, the corner office... my very own... Personal potty? I had it all. But then one day... I made a terrible discovery. I was getting old. The formula wasn't working anymore. It turns out I was lactose intolerant. - No! - Yes! I got called in to see the board of directors. Who are the boring directors? The biggest baby bosses of them all. I thought they loved me. But they replaced me with someone new. Someone younger. That's horrible. All of a sudden, she got all the love... all the attention. You know how that feels, don't you, Tim? It hurts, doesn't it? Yeah. It does. And then what happened? Well... They fired me! And took away my special formula. Then they sent me down to live with a... - family! - Oh, Francis, no! Baby Corp betrayed me! And I'm finally going to get revenge... with the Forever Puppy. - Huh? - That's it? No, no. Imagine a puppy that never grows up. A puppy that stays a puppy forever. Once I launch my Forever Puppies to every corner of the world... they'll be so adorable... How cute! ...no one will ever want a baby ever, ever again. The end of Baby Corp! Please. A puppy that never grows up? That's impossible! Isn't it? It was, until you brought me the key ingredient. My secret formula. It's mine! It's mine! It's all mine. No! You brought me the very thing I needed to destroy Baby Corp. - No! - Yes! You walked right into my trap! - You'll never get away with this! - Yeah, not if we... What? Tell? Who are you gonna tell, Tim? Your parents? Where are the boys? I told them to stay in the Puppy Zone. I'm taking them both with me to Las Vegas. So stay out of my way. I'd hate for them to get terminated. They'd never leave us alone. Oh, really? Wait until they meet Puppy Co's certified... in-house childcare expert. Oh, no. - Don't be nervous, buddy. - It's only overnight. We'll be back before you know it. Besides, you boys are in great hands. That's right! Eugenia is practically perfect in every way. No. Please don't go with him. Francis Francis is trying to... Believe me... Eugenia won't take her eyes off your children. Not for one second. That's very reassuring. Now you see them. And now, you don't. Too-da-loo! To the airport! It's over. I'm through. What do we do, Templeton? What do we do? We have to get to the airport and stop Francis Francis... before the plane takes off! Yes! But how do we get past Scary Poppins down there? Okay. There must be something we can do. Hey, it's not that bad. Are you okay? What's the matter with you? Don't look at me! Oh, no! Without that formula, I turn into a normal baby. You know, goo-goo, Ga-ga. The whole bit! Oh, no! Gross! I'm a ticking baby time bomb! I'm going to turn into a puking, pooping, helpless baby! Wait a second. That gives me an idea. What? What is it? I've been through a lot of babysitters... and they all fear one thing. Now, ladies, the secret to deep fried butter... is a healthy dab of margarine. Hey, Mr. Lady Man! The baby. I think he's sick! You gotta do something! Oh, the horror! - Templeton! - Delicious! Gross! It got in your mouth! It got in my mouth, too! I think I'm gonna be sick! Swirly! There's only an hour before the plane takes off. Let's take the bike. The bike? I don't know. Let's move! - Okay, but wait right here! - What? Where are you going? Templeton! Always wear a helmet. Too-da-loo, toilet head! You'll never catch us! Staci! Staci, come in! Oh, Staci! - Is that you, boss? - Code red! I'm being chased by a killer babysitter! Gather the team! On it, boss. - Hello! - Hello! - Hello! - Code red. Got it! We got a code red. Repeat... We got a code red! What are you doing, Templeton? Go, go! But that's jaywalking! Here, I'll pay your ticket. Go! I think we lost him! Oh, no, we didn't! Flower power! Pow, pow, pow! That's my boy! Poppy! Run, run, run. Uh-oh. Run, run, run. Tim, you've gotta go faster! I can't do it! You can. You've got it in you, Templeton. Now, eyes ahead. I said eyes ahead, son! Buttocks up! Now pedal like you mean it! Either you run the day, or the day runs you. Good! Uh-oh! My training wheels! I can't ride without training wheels! Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right! What are you talking about? The path to success is not a straight line, Templeton... but rather a wild ride... like a ship at sea. And you're a sea captain... taming a turbulent ocean! I'm a sea captain, taming the ocean! Good! Tree! I'm gonna hit it! Aim for failure, and you'll always succeed. - What? - Aim away from failure! I'm doing it. I'm doing it! Once success is a habit... then it's all downhill. Look! There they are! Mom, Dad! - Train! - Choo-choo! Stop! What are you doing? - We're gonna make it. - But I don't have a quote for this! You did it! No! We did it. And all without your training wheels. Coming through! Baby on board! Hang on to your diaper! Duck and cover! Hold it, buddy! I'm gonna need a strip search on two. There they are! Mom, Dad! Hey, not so fast! Oh, no. Templeton! - Hey! - Sorry! Hey, where'd you go? Oh, no! Not again! Not now! What the...? No, no, no! Come on! I think I ate $1.75. Excuse me, coming through! Mom, Dad! Hurry now! Move! We don't wanna miss our flight! - No! - I warned you! Wait! - No! - No. Mom, Dad! Stop! No! No, no, no. They're gone. I failed. I would've gotten to my parents if I didn't have to go back for you! What? We would have been here in plenty of time... if you knew how to ride a bike like a normal kid! We're never going to stop the launch on time. Who cares? My parents are in danger. I care! Baby Corp is going to go out of business. That's all you ever talk about. You don't even know what it's like to be part of a family. And you don't know what it's like to have a job! You don't know anything about hugs, or bedtime stories, or special songs! Oh, please! Stop acting like a baby. You're a baby! You take that back. My life was perfect until you showed up! Believe me, kid, the feeling is mutual. I wish I'd never met you! I wish you'd never been born! Where are you going? Fine! Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting For this moment to arise Would Timothy Templeton please pick up the white courtesy phone? Timothy Leslie Templeton, please pick up the white courtesy phone. Leslie. Hello? It's me. Don't hang up, Tim! Tim, I wasn't born. I was hired. What do you mean? Baby Corp is the only home I've ever known. So you're right. I don't know what it's like... to be part of a family. But I do care. You do? Yeah. And the only way to save both is to stop Francis Francis. Yeah. I can't do this without you, Tim. I need you. - I guess we do make a pretty good team. - No. Literally, I can't reach the door knobs. Oh, right. Don't worry, Tim. We're gonna save your parents. And your company. But how do we get to Vegas now? We're gonna need a miracle. Follow that Elvis! Why? Where there's Elvis, there's Vegas! There's another one! And another one! Elvises everywhere! Tim, there's our flight! And there goes our ticket! Hey! Don't be cruel! Sorry! - Well, thank you! - Oh, baby! Well, thank you very much. Hello. Hi. Ticket please. One moment. It's been stolen! Impersonating an Elvis impersonator? Get him! Humina, humina, humina. Stop! The ghost of Elvis! We gotta find seats! Come on, this way! What is this place? This, Templeton, is first class. Why is it empty? No one can afford it. That's what makes it so wonderful. Hello! This is Captain Ross. Ladies and gentlemen, and those in coach... please fasten your seat belts. We're about to take off. What's the matter, Templeton? My parents always hold my hand during takeoff. Boy, the stocks are crazy today. Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Ross again. As you can see, I've switched off the seat belt sign. What are you two boys doing up here? We're Captain Ross's kids. He told us to sit here. Well, can I get you special guys anything? Anything? Anything. Aye! All right, Francis Francis. This will teach you to kidnap the parents of One-Eyed Tim. Oh, please. If only it were that easy. What's your plan? You're not gonna write a memo, are you? No. Come on. You said you never really had a childhood, right? Why don't you give it a try? - No, I can't. - It's fun! Here, let's get you into character. I don't know. I feel silly! Go on! Say something mean to him. All right, all right, all right. So, you went to a community college, is it? I don't know. Keep going! And you have the guts to ask me for a bonus, now? See! Now you're getting into it. Huh? Well, blow me down. Your exit interview is over! That was pretty good. Who was that guy anyway? - The captain! - What? En garde! Heave! Ho! Thar she blows! Watch your stern! - Aye! - Dodge, parry, and thrust! Sounds like a heck of a law firm! Nice try! Heads up! You're fired! And here's your severance package. Ha! Wait. You're not supposed to end with "Ha!" You're not? You're supposed to end with "Argh!" Got it! Argh! That's great! Thanks! I just went with the flow. Ladies and gentlemen, and those in coach... on the left side of the plane... you can see we're approaching fabulous Las Vegas. Land ho! Ahoy, matey. Bye, Dad! Thanks for the lift! - Okay. What? - Let's move. - Going to the Heartbreak Hotel? - I'm going to the Heartbreak Hotel. - Me, too! - Me, too! Me, too! We've gotta get to the convention center. Should we get a taxi? Darn! I spent all my per Diem. That's more our speed. Right. Excuse me, ladies. Can we get a ride home? Jimmy's been sick, and he needs his expensive medicine. Where do you live, sweetie? The convention center. Bye, sweetie! Have a fun lady party! Chicks dig babies. The people of Long Island do not know how to make an iced tea. Oh, no! How are we gonna find my parents in here? Tim! Over there. Okay, now where's Puppy Co? Puppy Co, Puppy Co, Puppy Co... Aha! Here it is. Found it! But how did you...? Hey! Where'd you go? Not again! Come on! I need you! I'm back! I'm back. What's going on? That's right. We're gonna launch a brand new puppy in every continent. In every country! We're going to take over the world, one heart at a time. - Tim, there they are! - Mom, Dad! Imagine a puppy that never grows up... never gets old. A puppy that stays a puppy forever. I give you the only thing you'll ever love... the Forever Puppy! Mommy? Avert your eyes, Templeton! Hey! What are you doing here? Mom, Dad! What are they doing here? What are Tim and the baby doing here? What are any of us doing here, really? What is going on here? He's got my parents! We're really here to get them. Get them! Get the Forever Puppy! We've got to get backstage. In there! Run! Go, go, go! Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! Yes! Fart. Poop. Doodie. Look at all that formula. Now that's how you launch a product. Oh, no! He's putting them under the rocket! Elvis has left the building! Mom, Dad... I'm coming! Atta boy! Go, Tim! Go, go! Launch initiated. I'm launching my Forever Puppies, and there's nothing you can do about it! No! Baby Corp stole all the love from me... and now I'm going to take it back from them. You should understand what I'm talking about. You got replaced just like me! No! I'm nothing like you! Bratty kid! Let our parents go! His parents. The parents. Yeah! You could have had your parents' love all to yourself again! But no! You blew it! You let that baby boss you around. He doesn't work for me. We're partners! I'm not ticklish. Hey! Where's the baby? Everyone has a tickle spot! My ears! Stop it! Little brats! Nothing is going to get in the way of my vengeance. Not you, not anybody! Baby Corp is through. I win! Ha! Wrong! You're not supposed to end with "Ha!" - That's right! - What? You're supposed to end with... Argh! En garde! You're fired! And here's your severance package! Take that, you scurvy scallywag! Argh! One minute and counting. - Help! - Anybody! Tim! What are you doing? No! Mom, Dad, I'm coming! Is that you? Don't worry, Mom and Dad. I got this! - Are you okay? - Is the baby all right? Yes, the baby's fine. Who was that? That was me! The baby's fine. It won't budge! What's happening? Wait a second! Hey. I know a way to move my parents. - How? - We can use the puppies! Upsies. I need upsies. But what if you "go baby" again? It'll be fine. Fine, fine. Fine! It'll be fine. Hang on to your diaper! We're moving! Why are we moving? All right, Mom and Dad, hang on! T-minus 30 seconds. Oh, no! Wait! Hold on! Go, Tim! Get your parents... out of here. You've gotta jump! Come on, it's a piece of cake! No! No patty cake! Get down! Don't cry. I'm sorry. Please don't cry! 20 seconds. 15 seconds. Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting For this moment to arise - Three... - Gotcha! ...two, one. Blast off! Yeah! Hey, are you still in there? Aha! What happened? Did we win? - We won! - We won? - We won, we won, we won! - We won! Yes! Victory nap! You ruined everything! It's not fair! It's not fair! That's not right. Now you're really going to pay! Oh, yeah? It's time you pick on someone your own size! What? Eugene! You put me down! You hear me? I am the boss of you! This time, we'll raise him right. I'm sure that's gonna turn out fine. Tim, what's happening? Mom, Dad, hold on! Yes! - Tim? - Tim! Tim! Are you okay? I'm fine. We're fine. You saved us. You're our hero. And a great big brother. We love you both so much. Both of us? With all our heart. Let's go home. How do I look? You look great. Well, team, good job. Staci, this letter should get you into the school of your choice. - Kindergarten? - That's right. And if there's anything else... How about a raise? Staci, you don't get paid. - One million ziggity-five! - Eight! - A tricycle! - Skates! - Candy corn? - Lollipop! Deal. Best boss ever. And you guys don't always have to toe the company line, you know? It's okay to think for yourself. - No, sir! - No way! That's a terrible idea! That's the attitude. - You're so right! - You've got it, sir! - You're the man! - Absolutely! Here you go, big guy. You've earned it. You wanna hug me, don't you? I'll miss you too, buddy. Okay. - There, there. - It'll be okay, big guy. So... you did it. No. We did it. By the way, congratulations on your promotion. The corner office, the private potty. All that stuff. But, hey! How about you? You have your parents all to yourself. So what am I gonna tell Mom and Dad after you leave? Don't worry. Baby Corp has a procedure for situations like this. It'll be like I was never born. I almost forgot! No way! Lam-Lam! - You fixed her. - Yep. She's as good as new. She's a tough one. Well, I guess we both got what we wanted. It's a win-win. Probably should... Yeah. So, stay in school. I don't really have a choice. Yeah, right. - Goodbye, Tim. - Bye. Yeah, right. He left as suddenly as he arrived. Bye. Finally, my life was perfect again. Forget about the baby. Oopsies! Pardon me, big fella. Surprise! Hooray! Forget about the baby? No, thanks. I'm good. Okie-dokie. Argh. Dear Boss Baby... I don't usually write very much... but now I know that memos are very important things. Even though I never went to business school... I did learn to share in kindergarten. And if there isn't enough love for the two of us... then I wanna give you all of mine. I would like to offer you a job. It will be hard work... and there will be no pay. But the good news is that you can never be fired. And I promise you this. Every morning when you wake up, I will be there. Every night at dinner, I will be there. Every birthday party, every Christmas morning... I will be there. Year after year after year. We will grow old together. And you and I will always... ...be brothers. Always. Wake up, little halflings! It's 7:00 a.m. What's the point, Wizzie? Because it's 7:00 a.m. I have one job to do, and you make it so difficult. It's okay, little halfling. Sometimes, I get confused too. Especially during daylight savings time. Spring forward, fall back. We don't even have calendars in the wizard's realm! There is no spring, only darkness and winter! I'm not confused at all, Wizzie. I just miss him. Tim, look who's here! It's your new baby... Brother! You're here! You're really here! Gentle, gentle. You came back! Say hello to Theodore Lindsey Templeton. Lindsey? Who's ticklish? Who's ticklish? Here you go. So, that's my story. Our story. Luckily for me and my little brother, it had a happy ending. Is that a true story, Daddy? Well, sweetie, that's how I remember it. - But you know what I found out? - What? There's plenty of love for everyone. Even me? Especially you. Just ask your Uncle Ted. Hey, kid, I hear you're gonna have a baby sister. I wanted a horse. Here you go, kid. Go get yourself a horse. You know, I'm proud of you, Leslie. Back at ya, Lindsey. Hi there, baby sister. Argh! All right, guys. Time for bed. Come on, Mom. Just a little longer. Okay. Wake up, little halflings! It's time to leave. Go and live your peasant lives. Be gone with you!

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This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. Learn more OK Springfield! Springfield! Movie & TV Scripts Screencaps & Framegrabs The Simpsons Other Movie Scripts  >   Shrek - Forever After: The Final Chapter (2010) Shrek - Forever After: The Final Chapter (2010) Movie Script Once upon a time, a long time ago, a king and queen had a beautiful daughter named Fiona. But she was possessed by a terrible curse. By day, a lovely princess. By night, a hideous ogre. Only true love's kiss could lift her curse. So Fiona waited in a tower, guarded by a dragon, until the day when her true love would arrive. But as the days turned into years, the King and Queen were forced to resort to more desperate measures. Whoa, there. I don't know about this, Lillian. Fairy Godmother said only true love's kiss could break Fiona's curse. I don't trust that woman, Harold. This may be our last hope. Besides, he does come highly recommended by King Midas. But to put our daughter's life in the hands of this... person? He's devious. He's deceitful. He's, he's... Rumpelstiltskin! Mrs. Highness. How do you do? Down, Fifi. Get down! As you can see, everything's in order. So you'll put an end to our daughter's curse? And, in return, you sign the kingdom of Far Far Away over to me. - Lillian, this is madness! - What choice do we have? Fiona has been locked away in that tower far too long. It's not like she's getting any younger. But to sign over our entire kingdom? Well, if your kingdom's worth more to you than your daughter... Nothing is worth more to us than our daughter. Jump, Fifi, jump! Just sign it and all your problems will disappear. Your Highness! The Princess! She's been saved! Who saved her? No one would have guessed that an ogre named Shrek, whose roar was feared throughout the land, would save the beautiful Princess Fiona. True love's kiss led to marriage and ogre babies! The kingdom of Far Far Away was finally at peace. Goody for them! And they lived happily ever after! Sir? You're gonna have to pay for that. Maybe we could make a deal for it, little boy? - Oh, I'm not a real boy. - Do you want to be? Nobody needs your deals anymore, Grumpel Stinkypants! I wish that ogre was never born! Wake up, Daddy, wake up! - Good morning. - Good morning to you. Better out than in. That's my line. Did my little Fergus make a... ...big, grownup ogre stink?! Oh, that's diabolical! And on your left, the lovable lug that showed us you don't have to change your undies to change the world! I wonder what Shrek's up to in there. Get in there. Get... Impossible to put on! OK, the dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop... ...and finally, into the castle. Play date! Then Shrek kissed the Princess. She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived... Happily... - Ever... - After. Look! A shooting star! So, what did you wish for? That every day could be like this one. Come here, you. Morning, Daddy. Morning. Better out than in. Did my little Fergus make a... Cute. Real cute. This lovable lug taught us you don't have to change your undies to change the world! Play date! Shrek! The outhouse is clogged up! She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived... - Happily... - Ever... After? - Daddy, get up! - Morning. - Better out than in. - This lovable lug... - Play date! - No! Outhouse again! Come on. Undies! Outhouse! - Get up, get up! - And they lived... - Happily... - Ever... After. Roar. Nice landing, baby. Hey! Now remember, don't eat the valet. Happy birthday, nios! Vamos a la fiesta! Hey, Shrek, Shrek! Mr. Shrek, would you sign our pitchforks? And our torches? Oh, man, you used to be so fierce! Yeah, when you were a real ogre! A real ogre? Shrek, it's a sing-along. You've got to sing along! - No, thanks. - Please? I'll be your best friend. Why does being your best friend entail me doing everything I don't want to do? Please, Felicia, not in Daddy's ear. Excuse me, Mr. Shrek? Could you do that ogre roar of yours for my son? He's a big, big fan. Do the roar. You know, I'd rather not. It's my kids' birthday party. - Do the roar. - Honey? Why don't you go check on the cake? - Sure. - And don't forget the candles. Hold still. Thanks for the pants, Muffin Man. I always wanted chaps! Yee-haw! Giddy up! - Monsieur Shrek. - Howdy, Shrek! Your cake. Voil! - What is that supposed to be? - That's Sprinkles the Ogre! Isn't he cute? He looks just like you. But happy. It's a party, Shrek. You gotta cheer up! I'm in a great mood, actually. - Oh, I'm gonna lick me a rainbow! - Donkey! As long as you're not doing anything, how about one of those famous Shrek roars? - Do the roar. - Let me set you straight, Butter Pants. An ogre only roars when he's angry. You don't want to see me angry, do you? Do it. Hold it together. Just hold it together. Daddy, he's getting away. Do something. Oh, good. - What happened to the cake? - Trust me. It's an improvement. - You licked it! - No. Just because you're an ogre, doesn't mean you have to eat like one. Looks like you forgot the candles! OK, just watch the cake. I'll go get them. Watch the cake? - Where's the cake?! - We ate the cake. - Ya. - What? No, don't cry. Hey! I believe you promised my son a roar. - Do the roar. - Roar. - I don't like it. - Pigs, we need another cake. - We ate the other cakes. - One roar, man. Hey, everybody! Shrek's gonna do his famous ogre roar! Not now, Donkey. Pigs, are there any cupcakes? - We ate them, too. - They have lollipops. No, I ate them. - You didn't share? - Well, you didn't share the croissants! - Everything's gonna be OK. - Shrek, what's going on? - Come on, Shrek, your fans are waiting! - Do the roar. We need the cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! I love you, Daddy. Everybody, I have found another cake! Shrek? Are you OK? - Unbelievable. - Tell me about it! Those villagers... I'm not talking about the villagers, Shrek. I'm talking about you. Is this really how you want to remember the kids' first birthday? - Oh, great. So this is all my fault? - Yes. But you know what? Let's talk about this after the party, at home. You mean that roadside attraction we live in? Step right up! See the dancing ogre! Don't worry! He won't bite! I used to be an ogre. Now I'm just a jolly green joke! OK, OK, maybe you're not the ogre you used to be. But maybe that's not such a bad thing. I wouldn't expect you to understand. It's not like you're a real ogre. You spent half your life in a palace. And the other half locked away in a tower. Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be! Back when villagers were afraid of me, and I could take a mud bath in peace. When I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it! Back when the world made sense! You mean back before you rescued me from the Dragon's Keep? Exactly! Shrek, you have three beautiful children, a wife who loves you, friends who adore you. You have everything. Why is it the only person who can't see that is you? That's just great. If she thinks I'm gonna slink back there and apologize, she's got another thing coming. She's not the boss of me. I'm an ogre and I'm not gonna apologize for acting like one. Help, please! Someone, anyone at all, help me! Please, help! Please, help! I'm stuck! Help! Oh, please, help! Someone, anyone! Help me! The pain! I can see a bright light. A tunnel! Grandma? Is that you? Yeah, it's me, Granny. An ogre! Please, Mr. Ogre, please don't eat me! I'm not gonna eat you. But you are an ogre... Aren't you? Yeah, well, I... I used to be. Look, move out or get crushed. So you're not gonna eat me? No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. Wait up! What's your rush? Where you going? Nowhere. What a coincidence! I was just heading that way myself. But, seriously, let me give you a ride. I insist. Come on. It's the least I can do after all you've done for me. I got a hot rat cooking. All right! Can I interest you in a mudslide? Slug and tonic? A liquid libation to ease that frustration? - Eyeball-tini? - Well, maybe just one. So the centaur says, "That's not the half I'm talking about. " I gotta say, Shrek, I envy you. To live the life of an ogre... no worries, no responsibilities. You are free to pillage and terrorize as you please. - Free? That's a laugh. - Oh, yeah? Sometimes I wish I had just one day to feel like a real ogre again. Why didn't you say so? Magical transactions are my specialty! Great. Next to mimes, magicians are my favourite people. Hold on. "King for a Month. " "Knight for a Week. " Ogre for a day. Think about it, Shrek. To be feared and hated. You'll be, like, "Roar!" And the villagers will be, like, "Get away! It's Shrek! I'm so scared of him!" It would be just like the good old days, when your swamp was your castle. - When the world made sense. - All right, what's the catch? Catch? No. There's no catch. No catchings, really. I mean, there's something. Small thing. Nothing. A little thing. All right, I knew it. So what do you want? - A day. - A day. Rat's done! To make the magic work, you gotta give something to get something. In this case, you gotta give a day to get a day. That's all. I can't just pick up and leave my family. But that's the best part, Shrek! It's a magical contract. No one will even know you're gone. And by the time this day is up, you are gonna feel like a changed ogre. Still, I don't know. Hey, no problem. Forget it, no big D. Doesn't matter. Do you like white meat or dark meat? So what day would I have to give up? I don't know, any day. A day from your past. A day you had the flu? A day you lost a pet? A day some meddling oaf stuck his nose where it didn't belong destroying your business and ruining your life?! Just for an example. How about the day I met Donkey? Now, there's a day I'd like to take back. I don't know who that is. I know. What about a day you wouldn't even remember? Like a day when you were a baby. - An innocent, mindless little baby. - Take any of those days you want. - Take them all for all I care. - Oh, just one will do. OK, good. A day from your childhood it is. I guess there's nothing wrong with wanting a little time for myself. Just 24 tiny little hours. - I'm still my own ogre! - Yeah, you is! I never needed to ask for anyone's permission before. So why start now? Go on, Shrek. Sign it! Go on, Shrek. Sign it, Shrek! Sign it! You signed it. So, tell me. What happens now? Have a nice day. I think I fell on my keys. There are 40 children in that shoe, which is why the weasel goes pop to this very day. Oh, great. As we head over the river and through the woods... Ogre! Kill the ogre! Kill the ogre! This is the part where you run away! Sure is great to be wanted again. Nice one. Fiona? Oh, no. My home. Fiona! Fiona! Are you in there?! All right, Rumpel! This wasn't part of the deal! Rumpel! Ogre! We've got another one, ladies! Get him! Who are you?! What are you doing in my swamp? Looks like a troublemaker! Spread 'em! Nice job, ladies! You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights! You have the right to shut your mouth! Donkey, stop with the singing, will you? Donkey! Donkey, where am I? What's happening? Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song. I'm driving, so I'm in charge of the music. Will you witches make up your mind? Donkey? What's going on? Do you know where Fiona is? Quiet, ogre! You're gonna get me in trouble and I need this job. I am not going back to work for Old MacDonald. Tell me to E-I-E-I-O. "E-I-E-I-No!" That's what I said. Where are my babies? And where's your wife, Dragon? Look, I think you have me confused with some other talking donkey. I've never seen you before in my life. Never seen me before? Come on, Donkey! And how do you know my name anyway? It's me, Shrek. Your best friend? A donkey and an ogre friends? That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! Can you at least tell me where they're taking me? To the same place they take every ogre. To Rumpelstiltskin. - Stiltskin! - I said quiet! Oh, no. It's time to crumble! Place your bets! Place your bets! We start tout de suite! Yeah! Gingy? Gingy snap! There's one! Disgusting, filthy ogre! Hideous monster! Filthy, filthy creature! Disgusting creature! Move it! Don't worry, Donkey. I'll get us our lives back. Yeah, right. Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy! Mr. Stiltskin? You got another customer. - Wolfie! - Yes, Mr. Stiltskin. Bring me my business wig. Mr. Stiltskin, please! - OK, go. - Please make me a real boy! Go away! Terms are in the details, balsa boy. Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne! Stiltskin! Shrek! There he is! So close! Have I been waiting for you! Ladies, this is the guy that made all of this possible! So, tell me, how are you enjoying your day? All right, Rumpel, what's going on? What have you done? No, Shrek, it's not what I've done. It's what you've done. Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me. They would never do that. They would if I promised them all their problems would disappear. And then they disappeared! They would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter's curse. I ended Fiona's curse! How could you when you never existed? You better start making sense, you dirty little man! Here, let me spell it out for you! You gave me a day from your past, a day you couldn't even remember. A day when you were an innocent, mindless little baby. You took the day I was born. No, Shrek. You gave it to me. Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up... But you haven't heard the best part. Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you. Where's Fiona? Where's my family? Silly little ogre. You don't get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. Your kids don't exist. How's that for a metaphysical paradox? Looks like you got exactly what you wanted! - Happy Ogre Day! - Rumpel! Get him, witches! You know what'd help morale around here? Flip-flop Fridays. Feet be comfortable with the breeze on your toes. Come on, girls! Lock all the doors, you worthless witches! Do it! I'll be right back, Donkey! I don't know you! I don't know him! I'm glad I'm not you. Help me! Help! Help! No, not my pretty ball! Watch out! Wolfie? My angry wig. Help! I've been kidnapped by a deranged, unbalanced ogre! Donkey! Get off of me! Watch it with your pointy hooves! - Just take my wallet! - Hey! I'm being ass-napped! Animal cruelty! Help! You need to calm down! I'm your friend. I'm not gonna hurt you, all right? Good. I'm gonna let go... ...right... now. Please! Eat my face last! Send my hooves to my mama! Donkey! You've got to trust me. - Why should I trust you? - Because... Because... OK. Fine! Go ahead! Run away! Who needs you? I've never seen an ogre cry. I'm not crying. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I cry all the time. Just thinking about my grandma, or thinking about baby kittens, or my grandma kissing a baby kitten, or a little baby grandma kitten. - That is so darn sad. - I said, I'm not crying! Take it easy, I'm only trying to help. It's none of my business why you're upset. By the way, why are you upset? I was tricked into signing something I shouldn't have. You signed up for one of them time-shares, huh? No. I signed this. You should never sign a contract with Rumpelstiltskin! Yeah, I got that. - His fine print is crafty. - I know. - His exit clauses are sneaky. - Yeah, I... - What did you say? - I'm talking about the exit clause. Used to be, you had to guess his name, but now everybody knows who Rumpelstiltskin is. Donkey, I've read the fine print. There's nothing about an exit clause in here. Well, you didn't expect him to make it easy for you. Here, let me show you how it's done. I didn't spend all that time around them witches without picking up a few tricks. Your tiny, little ogre brain couldn't begin to comprehend the complexity of my polygonic foldability skills. What are you doing? Hey, I can't get my origami on unless you back off. Thank you. OK, here's what you gotta do. You fold this piece here, make this letter match up here, bring this corner here, and if you do it just right, it will show you what to do. There! "Try Lou's Bliss. " Who's Lou? Give me that! "True Love's Kiss. " You have to take me to dinner first. "According to fairy tale law, if not fully satisfied, true love's kiss will render this contract null and void. " Donkey, you did it! Look at you! If Fiona and I share true love's kiss, I will get my life back! OK! This isn't a petting zoo! So where is this Fiona? Well, that's just it, you see. I don't know. You know, when I lose something, I always try to retrace my steps. So... where did you leave her last? The last time I saw her, I told her I wished I'd never rescued her. - Oh, no. - Shrek? Shrek! Shrek, wait! Wait, Shrek! What, are you crazy? That's the Dragon's Keep! They keep dragons in there! OK, yeah, fine! Go ahead! I'm gonna just hang back here and find us some breakfast! Fiona! Oh, no. If I didn't save Fiona... ...then who did? This is the favour Fiona was supposed to give me on the day we met. It's a symbol of our love. Now smell it! Hey, man, get that dirty favour out of my face! Your nose is the only chance I have of tracking down my wife, so stop complaining and start smelling. Smell it! Get it! Away you go, girl! Do I look like a bloodhound to you? In case you haven't noticed, I'm a donkey, not a dog! If I was a dog, they'd call me Dog, not Donkey! And another thing... Wait a minute. I think I got something. - Whatever it is, it's sweet. - Fiona. Luscious and tasty. Hey! That's my wife you're talking about. Donkey! Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness! Donkey! Don't eat that! There's a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don't you find that a wee bit suspicious? Oh, you... I'm just... What are you...? Bad Donkey! Mustn't. I said, don't! Don't! No! Get away from it. You did. Look out! Donkey! - Are you OK? - I'm fine. Donkey. Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help! Watch your head. Hey, it's a new guy! Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest. He's really tiny, isn't he? Yeah. Fate has delivered us a comrade-in-arms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up! - Let's go, greenie. - Now, wait a minute! - Hey! - Here you go. - Welcome to the resistance. - Resistance? We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere! I didn't know we could do that. Help! You can't eat me! I got the mange! - I'm poisonous! I'm all poi... - I'll take him! This order's to go. Hey! I haven't removed his giblets yet. Trust me, you don't want to eat this one. I go down smooth, but come out fighting! - Let go! - Don't make Mama mad. Your dinner is my friend! - Come on, guys! - I got to get the giblets out! - She's back. - There she is. Fiona! I'm so happy I found you! Maybe you missed orientation, but for future reference, personal space is very important to me. You don't know who I am, do you? No. Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room. Gretched, make sure everyone is prepared to move out tonight. - I need to talk to you. - What is it? OK, I know you don't remember me, but... ...we're married. Hear me out. And at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, and this boy kept saying, "Do the roar. " Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole. Right? Who's with me? I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought. Fiona, I need to... Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill! - Fiona! - Witches! Oh, no! - Witches! Witches! - Come on, now. Fiona, that's the third patrol today. We can't hide forever. Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won't have to. - That's your wife? - That's my wife. Well, I see who wears the chain mail in your family! Some people like to look at the goblet as... as half empty. Me, I like to look at it as half full. We've gone from the bottom to the top, ladies. But we're not just an empire. We're a family. Everyone has got their cupcake? Cupcake, cupcake? Good. Yes? Baba? Good. Yeah, you know, we have put away a lot of ogres. And so one got away. Who cares? It's not a big deal. It doesn't matter to me. It's not like it's the end of the world. Except... funny thing. Now that I think about it, the ogre who got away is Shrek! And if he shares a kiss with Fiona by sunrise, it is the end of the world! Our world! My empire! But, as I was saying, I like to look at the goblet as half full. Yelling makes me so parched. Would anyone care for some water? Wet your whistle? A clear, crisp, delicious glass... ...of agua purificada? Anybody's thirsty? Nobody's thirsty? No? Well, then does anyone care to tell me what it's going to take to get this ogre? You. Faster brooms? - No! - Pointier hats? - No! You! - Maybe we could hire a professional bounty hunter? What a world! What a world! You know, actually not a bad idea. Baba! I need a bounty hunter. And if music doth soothe the savage beast... ...then I think I might know just the person! Listen up, everyone. Word has come from Far Far Away. Stiltskin is leading tonight's ogre hunt himself. - He's never done that before. - What? Why? I bet that's because of us. If that cupcake-eating clown finally leaves the safety of his filthy witch nest... ...he'll be vulnerable. The plan's simple. If they follow the usual patrol route, they'll reach the river by midnight. We'll be concealed along this road, waiting for his caravan. Once they reach the clearing, I'll give the signal. And then we attack! And when the smoke clears... Wait, what's this? That's my chimichanga stand. No, Cookie. We won't be needing that. Trust me, Fiona. Y'all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, OK? Go and finish your little speech. All right, as I was saying, when the smoke clears, Rumpelstiltskin is gone and the chimichangas have been eaten. Far Far Away will finally be free. - And so will we. - Spread the word. We move out as soon as Rumpel leaves the palace. - Man, this is serious! - Tell me about it. How am I ever gonna get her to kiss me before sunrise? Actually, I was talking about the revolution. Revolution? Why don't you just tell her what you told me? About how you're her true love and you came from an alternate universe. Well, while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire-breathing dragon and you have little, mutant donkey-dragon babies. I do?! You saw what happened. She's gonna think I'm crazy. I'm a daddy? You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once... ...then I can do it again. Shrek, do my babies have hooves or talons? Donkey...! Hello? Fiona? You should not be here, seor. Puss? You've gotta be kidding me. Feed me, if you dare. Puss, what happened to you? You got so fa... ...fancy. - Do I know you? Well, where's your hat? Where's your belt? Your wee little boots? Boots? For a cat? Ha! But you're Puss in Boots. Maybe once. But that is a name I have outgrown. That's not the only thing you've outgrown. Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life. I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. I'll get him later. Puss, what have I done to you? You've gone soft. Well, I do get brushed twice a day. Look, it's not too late to fix it. All you have to do is help me get a kiss from Fiona. What are you doing? Can I help you with something? Well, I know how stressful mounting a rebellion can be... ...rallying the troops, planning attacks, so I brought you a little something to ease the tension. A gift basket? You're welcome. So let's see what you got. Heart-shaped box of slugs. Skunk-scented candle. - Look, this really isn't the... - What's this? Coupons! Let's see, "Good for one free foot massage. " "A mud facial!" Oh, and here's one... "Good for one free kiss. " Let's cash it now. Look, I don't know what this is all about, but I'm trying to run a revolution. So unless you have Rumpelstiltskin's head in there, I suggest you take your gift basket, get out of my tent and go make yourself useful! Wow. You're right. I am sorry. I was just trying to be friendly. No hard feelings? An apologetic hug? And a quick kiss goodbye. Hey! Wait! Is that mistletoe I see? Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable? - Where'd we find that guy? - Could it be true? Have the years of prim and pampery made me soft? Don't be silly. Now who's a pretty kitty? I am. Daddy thinks you look real nice, Fifi. Honk. All right, Piggies, be gone! Don't forget to take her little potty box with you. This little piggy wants to go home! - Mr. Stiltskin! He's here. - Nice. Pied Piper. How was your commute? Good. You call this guy a bounty hunter? What's he gonna do, flute those ogres a lullaby? OK, got it! Make it stop! All right, that's enough. Looks like it's time to pay the piper. Griselda, seriously, it's time to pay the piper. Now go get my cheque book! Go! Move! Get out! Things are getting real sloppy around here! Here, now make sure they eat up! You can't end tyranny on an empty stomach! Go on! Go! Din-din! - Come on, Donkey. - One more time, please? All right, but this is the last time. Here it comes. Look at him. I see you! That's quite a friend you've got there. I can see why you haven't eaten him. Donkey! I hate to pull you away from your adoring public, but I'm not getting anywhere with Fiona. - I need your help! - Hey, everybody. Who wants dessert? - Where'd you get these? - Fiona's garbage. Just another gift from some clueless lover boy. That's a good one, Cookie! Anyone who knows Fiona knows this stuff ain't gonna work on her. Works on me. Donkey, what am I gonna do? It's like I don't even know her. You in trouble, Romeo. The only thing Fiona cares about is her cause. - To the cause! - To the cause! All right! Hello! - Nice moves. - What are you doing? What does it look like? I'm getting ready for ambush action. Oh, yeah. I always like to quad my lutes and do some scrunches before an operational... op. This one taken? We use that to clean the toilets. And we use that one to clean the thing we clean the toilets with. I knew that. There you go, chief. Hey... Scott? My name is Shrek, actually. You're going to get yourself killed at the ambush tonight. I'll be fine. I think I can take care of myself... Well, let's see about that. Hey! Hey... Hey! What the...? Fiona? I got it. Give me your hand. The dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop and finally... Into the castle. Wow. OK. Good. It seems like you can handle yourself. - But, Fiona... - Go get ready for the mission! - I will, but Fiona... - That's an order! All right, let's get those axes sharpened and weapons packed! Preparation is half the battle! Ogre! Un momento! Un momento! Ogre, ogre, un momento! Just give me a minute. Look, Puss, I'm a little pressed for time. I am not believing what I have just witnessed. Back there, you and Fiona. There was a spark... a spark inside her heart I thought was long extinguished. It was as if, for one moment, Fiona had actually found her true love! I am her true love. I ended her curse. You know of her curse? By day, one way, by night another. This shall be the norm. Until you find true love's first kiss... ...and then take love's true form. You even know the little rhyme! It is true! You are the one! You must prove it to her! - How? - Convince her! Go to her when she is alone and tell her something that only her true love would know. Know about what?! Whoa! That's a whole lot of kitty! Shrek, can we keep him? Excuse me. Coming through! Pardon me, guys! Watch your back. Look, Donkey, the chimichanga cart! Quick! ndale! After him, burro! Donkey, vmonos! Man, you are a cat-astrophe! And you are ri-donkey-lous! I'll scout ahead. Wait for my signal. Secure your positions! - It's quite a view from up here. - What are you doing?! Get back in position! You need to know, once and for all, who I really am. You are going to ruin everything! Ruin everything? Actually, I'm gonna fix everything... The ogres, Rumpel, your curse. How do you know about my curse?! OK, OK, please, Fiona... Just hear me out. I can explain everything. - Where's Fiona's signal? - What's she waiting for? - He's going to get away! - No, he's not. Listen, I don't know who you are or how you know about my curse, but if any of these ogres find out I'm... - A beautiful princess? - That is not who I am! Not anymore. - Look, I know you're upset. - You don't know anything about me. I know everything about you. I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode. - Big deal. - I know that when you sign your name, - you put a heart over the "I". - So what? I know that when you see a shooting star, you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose and you make a wish. I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes... ...you're afraid you're gonna wake up back in that tower. But, most importantly, Fiona... ...I know that the reason you turn human every day... ...is because you've never been kissed... ...well... ...by me. - You move fast. - It's not me doing the moving. - Why is this happening?! - Love? - No, I'm being forced to dance! - By love! No, I can't stop myself! Please! Make it stop! I can't control myself! Yeah! Cookie's bringing the heat out of the kitchen! Oh, no! It's the Piper! I can't believe I let this happen, and it's all because of you! - If you'd just let me kiss you! - What? You're insane! We must do something before they fandango themselves into oblivion! - What can we do? - First, you must stop dancing! When somebody tooties that fluty, I got to shake my booty! Then it's up to me! Hurry! We must get them away from the music! Puss and Donkey to the rescue! We saved the day! Donkey... Can I borrow your tongue? Say what?! No. Hell... I don't care how big your eyes get, player, it's not going down. All right! Stop! - Where are you going? - To save my friends. - How, by getting yourself killed? - If that's what it takes. Puss, say something. - Puss? - Let me explain. That's how you knew so much about me. - Fiona, wait! Kiss me. - What? It's the only way to save your friends. Get out of my way. You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything! I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense. True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything! Yeah, you know, that's what they told me, too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did. I saved myself. Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale. Fiona, don't say that. It does exist! How would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night, waiting for a true love that never came?! But... But I'm your true love. Then where were you when I needed you? Maybe you kissed her wrong? No. The kiss didn't work... ...because Fiona doesn't love me. Don't despair, fellow ogres! They can put us in cages, but they can't cage our honour! Shrek and Fiona are together?! Yeah, I've heard enough of your toot-a-lee-toots! You blew it! Wolfie! My speech wig. Baba! Ready my makeup. And Piper, pull my socks up. - Tight. - Attention, citizens. Please stay tuned for a message from our tyrannical dictator! Hello, people. It is I, Rumpelstiltskin... ...shepherd of your dreams. Recently, a certain somebody has jeopardized our joyous lives. And that somebody is the rat-munching ogre called Shrek! That is why I come to you, dear citizens. For whomever brings me this ogre, shall receive the deal of a lifetime. Just think of it! Total and - complete happiness. - Ya! Dazzling, radiant fulfilment! All your greatest wishes. - Yeah! - Your wildest dreams. Anything you could ever want! No strings attached! But hurry, this is a limited time offer. So light your torches, sharpen your pitchforks and get your mob on! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Go back where you came from! It seems that we are safe. Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go. What's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over. Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end, you'll see. - I bet by this time tomorrow... - Don't you understand? There is no tomorrow. There's no day after that, and there's no day after that day after that! My life was perfect and I'm never going to get it back! If your life was so perfect, why'd you sign it away to Rumpelstiltskin? Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone! All right? I didn't know what I had. Surrender now! I'm taking you in! Don't try to fight it, ogre! The reward is mine! Gingy? - You unhand me, green devil! - What are you doing? Collecting my bounty! - Bounty? - What are you talking about, cracker? Rumpelstiltskin promised the deal of a lifetime - for whoever could bring you in. - Deal of a lifetime? Where all your wishes come true. Wait a minute. - I can still fix this. - How you gonna do that? You know what? I'm gonna give Rumpelstiltskin exactly what he wants. OK, Gingy, tell me about this... Were you going to eat that? Not Shrek. That is not Shrek. Also not Shrek. That's not even an ogre, it is a troll! Nice try. - And that... - Roar. ...is just sad. And what is that supposed to be? I'm just a frightened old man. Don't listen to him! These ogres are crafty! That is your father painted green. No, it's Shrek! Honest! Take them away! Can no one bring me Shrek?! Where is he? How hard can it be?! I want him! I want him! I want him! Stiltskin! I hear you're looking for me. All right! Finally! Who turned him in? Who gets the deal of a lifetime? - I do. - What? But... If I'm turning myself in, I get the deal of a lifetime. That means you have to give me anything I want. No! Only true love's kiss can break your contract! So if you thought you were just gonna... ...in here and get your life back... - I'm not here to get my life back. Then what do you want? The ogres. They are all free. But where is Shrek? This is not good. I don't know. Not much of a storybook ending. The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres. All that matters is that they're free... ...and Fiona is safe. I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that. But, hey... ...I guess you can tell her yourself. Fiona! Stiltskin, we had a deal! You agreed to free all ogres! Oh, yeah. But Fiona isn't all ogre, is she? By day, one way, by night, another. Blardy, blardy, blar. Nobody's smart but me! That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you. No, you were right. I wasn't there for you. And not just at the Dragon's Keep, but... ...every day since. Well... ...you're here now. Let go of me! I have got to save Shrek! Don't be a fool, mule! She's right. Rumpel's palace is locked up tighter - than Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard. - And that cupboard wasn't guarded by a whole bunch of mean, ugly, nasty witches. Hey! We can hear you! Sorry! We must get into the palace. Man, Shrek and me just busted out of that place! But how? The same way we're gonna bust in. Yay! My new pretty ball! Didn't it look bigger in the catalogue? I guess it'll have to do. Witches, finally, the moment we've all been waiting for. The main event of the evening! I present Shrek and Fiona! And now, to put the past behind us once and for all, I give you a princess's worst nightmare! Fiona's old flame, the keeper of the keep... ...Dragon! - Donkey? - And Puss! In Boots! Get them, get them, witches! Incoming! - Donkey, woo her! - Woo who? Your wife! Uh-oh. I'll call you! We're in love! Fiona, hold on! Hey, you! - Chimichangas?! - Get 'em while they're hot! Jump! Now! The dragon goes under the bridge! Through the loop! And finally... Into the castle! Run! Foo! So long! Come on, Fifi, go! Go! Witches, close up the floor! Come on, Fifi, go! Flappity flap! Come on, go! Fly away! Up, up! Go! Fifi, no! Victory is ours! Looks like we're having curly-toed weirdo for breakfast. Hey, we make a pretty good team. You have no idea. Shrek? His day is up. His day is...! Shrek? It's all right. There has to be something I can do. You've already done everything for me, Fiona. You gave me a home and a family. You have kids? We have kids. Fergus, Farkle and a little girl named... ...Felicia. - Felicia. I always wanted to have a daughter named Felicia. And someday... ...you will. You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again. Fiona, the sunrise! You're still... an ogre! - True love's form. - Impossible! The kiss worked. What?! Fifi! Puss! No, no, no! No, not yet! I'm not ready! No, wait! I love you, Daddy! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Everybody, I have found another cake! Shrek? Are you OK? Fiona. I've never been better. Roar! Happy Birthday, Farkle. Fergus, my little man! And Felicia, sweetheart. I believe this is yours. Thank you, Daddy. Hey, Uncle Shrek! How about giving my babies an encore! Please, seor, let us have it! - I didn't know we could do that. - That's my best friend! You know, I always thought that I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep. You did. No. It was you that rescued me. Yummy! More Movie Scripts | Request a Movie Transcript

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[man's voice] Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy... until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss... of the handsome Prince Charming. [horse whinnies] It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's keep. [crows caw] For he was the bravest, and most handsome... in all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her... [gasps] What? - Princess... Fiona? - No! [sighs relief] Oh, thank heavens. Where is she? - She's on her honeymoon. - Honeymoon? With whom? - She's on her honeymoon. - Honeymoon? With whom? [ Counting Crows: Accidentally In Love] So she said what's the problem, baby? What's the problem? I don't know Well, maybe I'm in love Think about it every time I think 'bout it Can't stop thinking 'bout it How much longer will it take to cure this? Just to cure it, 'cause I can't ignore it If it's love, love Makes me wanna turn around and face me But I don't know nothing 'bout love Oh, come on, come on - [screams] - Turn a little faster Come on, come on The world will follow after Come on, come on Everybody's after love So I said I'm a snowball running Running down into this spring that's coming all this love Melting under blue skies belting out sunlight Shimmering love Well, baby, I surrender To the strawberry ice cream Never ever end of all this love Well, I didn't mean to do it But there's no escaping your love These lines of lightning mean we're never alone Never alone, no, no Come on, come on Jump a little higher Come on, come on If you feel a little lighter Come on, come on We were once upon a time in love Hyah! We're accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love, I'm in love Accidentally in love I'm in love I'm in love It's so good to be home! - [distant singing] - [giggling] Just you and me and... [Donkey sings] - Two can be as bad as one... - Donkey? Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. [chuckles] And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed? Donkey, what are you doing here? Taking care of your love nest for you. Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail and watering the plants? - Yeah, and feeding the fish! - I don't have any fish. You do now. I call that one Shrek and the other Fiona. That Shrek is a rascally devil. Get your... Look at the time. I guess you'd better be going. Don't you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon? Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I'd move in with you. You know we're always happy to see you, Donkey. But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. Say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. - Donkey! - Yes, roomie? You're bothering me. Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess... Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so... Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue or something. He'll be fine. Now, where were we? [giggles] Oh. I think I remember. - Donkey! - [Fiona yelps] I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going. What do you want me to tell these other guys? [fanfare] [ theme to Hawaii Five-O] Enough, Reggie. [clears throat] "Dearest Princess Fiona. "You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away "for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage "at which time the King "will bestow his royal blessing... upon you and your..." uh..."Prince Charming. "Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. "aka Mom and Dad." Mom and Dad? - Prince Charming? - Royal ball? Can I come? - We're not going. - [both] What? I mean, don't you think they might be a bit... shocked to see you like this? [chuckles] Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too. Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club. Stop it. They're not like that. How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance. To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks? No! They just want to give you their blessing. Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? If you want to be a part of this family, yes! Who says I want to be part of this family? You did! When you married me! Well, there's some fine print for you! [exasperated sigh] So that's it. You won't come? Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are not going! And that's final! Come on! We don't want to hit traffic! [Gingy] Don't worry! We'll take care of everything. [all cheer] - Hey, wait for me. Oof! - [glass breaks] [sighs] [ Chic: Le Freak] Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up! Rawhide! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move 'em on! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Rawhide! Ride 'em up! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move 'em on! Rawhide! Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yee-haw! - [Donkey] Are we there yet? - [Shrek] No. - [Donkey] Are we there yet? - [Fiona] Not yet. - [Donkey] OK, are we there yet? - [Fiona] No. - [Donkey] Are we there yet? - [Shrek] No! - [Donkey] Are we there yet? - [Shrek] Yes. - Really? - No! - Are we there yet? - [Fiona] No! - Are we there yet? - [Shrek] We are not! - Are we there yet? - [Shrek & Fiona] No! - Are we there yet? - [Shrek mimics] - That's not funny. That's really immature. - [Shrek mimics] - This is why nobody likes ogres. - [Shrek mimics] - Your loss! - [Shrek mimics] - I'm gonna just stop talking. - Finally! This is taking forever, Shrek. There's no in-flight movie or nothing! The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far... [softly] away! All right, all right, I get it. I'm just so darn bored. Well, find a way to entertain yourself. [sighs] [deep sigh] [clicks tongue] [popping] - [popping] - [exasperated sigh] For five minutes... Could you not be yourself... [shouts]... for five minutes! - [popping] - [shrieks] Are we there yet? - [chuckles] Yes! - Oh, finally! [fanfare] [ Lipps, Inc: Funkytown] Wow! It's going to be champagne wishes and caviar dreams from now on. Hey, good-looking! We'll be back to pick you up later! Gotta make a move to a town that's right for me We are definitely not in the swamp anymore. [whistle] Halt! Well, I talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it Hey, everyone, look. Talk about, talk about movin'... Hey, ladies! Nice day for a parade, huh? You working that hat. [Donkey] Swimming pools! Movie stars! [cheering] [applause] [fanfare] Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband. Well, this is it. - This is it. - This is it. This is it. [fanfare] [fanfare and cheering stop] [gasps] [tweeting] [baby wails] Uh... why don't you guys go ahead? I'll park the car. [chuckles] So... you still think this was a good idea? Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us. - [softly] Who on earth are they? - [softly] I think that's our little girl. That's not little! That's a really big problem. Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell? Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look... [softly] Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches. - They're my parents. - Hello? They locked you in a tower. That was for my own... Good! Here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home. Harold, we have to be... Quick! While they're not looking we can make a run for it. Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna be... A disaster! There is no way... - You can do this. - I really... - Really... - don't... want... to... be... Here! Mom... Dad... I'd like you to meet my husband... Shrek. Well, um... It's easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. [chuckles nervously] [gulps] [belches] - Excuse me. - [Shrek & Fiona laugh] Better out than in, I always say, eh, Fiona? [both giggle] [Shrek] That's good. I guess not. What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. What's happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. - I had the hardest time finding this place. - No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Down! No, Dad! It's all right. It's all right. He's with us. - He helped rescue me from the dragon. - That's me: the noble steed. Waiter! How 'bout a bowl for the steed? Oh, boy. [slurps] - Um, Shrek? - Yeah? Oh, sorry! Great soup, Mrs Q. Mmm! No, no. Darling. [chuckles nervously] Oh! So, Fiona, tell us about where you live. Well... Shrek owns his own land. - Don't you, honey? - Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and... [laughing] What? I know you ain't talking about the swamp. An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children. - [splutters] - [chokes] It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it? - Indeed. I just started eating. - Harold! - What's that supposed to mean? - Dad. It's great, OK? - For his type, yes. - My type? I got to go to the bathroom. - Dinner is served! - Never mind. I can hold it. Bon appetit! Oh, Mexican food! My favorite. Let's not sit here with our tummies rumbling. Everybody dig in. Don't mind if I do, Lillian. I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be... Ogres, yes! Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't eat your own young! Dad! No, we usually prefer the ones who've been locked away in a tower! - Shrek, please! - I only did that because I love her. Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle. You wouldn't understand. You're not her father! It's so nice to have the family together for dinner. - Harold! - Shrek! - Fiona! - Fiona! - Mom! - Harold... Donkey! [glissando] Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily... [both gasp] Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're all grown up. - Who are you? - Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy godmother. - I have a fairy godmother? - Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm here to make it all better. With just a... Wave of my magic wand Your troubles will soon be gone With a flick of the wrist and just a flash You'll land a prince with a ton of cash A high-priced dress made by mice no less Some crystal glass pumps And no more stress Your worries will vanish, your soul will cleanse Confide in your very own furniture friends We'll help you set a new fashion trend - I'll make you fancy, I'll make you great - The kind of girl a prince would date! They'll write your name on the bathroom wall... "For a happy ever after, give Fiona a call!" A sporty carriage to ride in style, Sexy man boy chauffeur, Kyle Banish your blemishes, tooth decay, Cellulite thighs will fade away And oh, what the hey! Have a bichon frisé! ' Nip and tuck, here and there to land that prince with the perfect hair Lipstick liners, shadows blush To get that prince with the sexy tush Lucky day, hunk buffet You and your prince take a roll in the hay You can spoon on the moon With the prince to the tune Don't be drab, you'll be fab Your prince will have rock-hard abs Cheese soufflé, Valentine's Day Have some chicken fricassee! Nip and tuck, here and there To land that prince with the perfect hair Stop! [chuckles] Look... Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but I really don't need all this. [gasps and mutterings of disapproval] - Fine. Be that way. - We didn't like you, anyway. - [knocking] - [Shrek] Fiona? Fiona? [dog barks] Oh! You got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo. Oh, uh... Fairy Godmother, furniture... [giggles] I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? Shrek is the one who rescued me. - But that can't be right. - Oh, great, more relatives! She's just trying to help. Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. - What? - I don't want to leave. When did you decide this? - Shortly after arriving. - Look, I'm sorry... No, that's all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me... happiness... is just a teardrop away. Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy... [laughs] So I see. Let's go, Kyle. - Very nice, Shrek. - What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. You could've at least tried to get along with my father. I don't think I was going to get Daddy's blessing, even if I did want it. Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? You're unbelievable! You're behaving like a... - Go on! Say it! - Like an ogre! Here's a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not... I am an ogre! - [yelps] - [roars] And guess what, Princess? That's not about to change. I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre!" [mimics Shrek roaring] [sniffling] I knew this would happen. [Lillian] You should. You started it. I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He's the ogre. Not me. I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona's choice. But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... thing? Fiona does. And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and... - they were in bloom... - Our first kiss. It's not the same! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a monster! Oh, stop being such a drama king. Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn't it all wonderful! I'd like to know how it could get any worse! - Hello, Harold. - [gasps] - What happened? - Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! [chuckles] I'll just stretch it out here for a while. You better get in. We need to talk. Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. [yawns] Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about... we make this a quick visit. What? Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what's new? You remember my son, Prince Charming? Is that you? My gosh! It's been years. When did you get back? Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert... I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower... Mommy can handle this. He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower... And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married. It wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time. Stop the car! [crash] Harold. You force me to do something I really don't want to do. [gasps] Where are we? Hi. Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy! May I take your order? My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy. Er... okay. Two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo... chili rings... - I'll have the Medieval Meal. - One Medieval Meal and, Harold... - Curly fries? - No, thank you. - Sourdough soft taco, then? - No, really, I'm fine. Your order, Fairy Godmother. This comes with the Medieval Meal. There you are, dear. We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part. [sighs deeply] Indeed not. So, Fiona and Charming will be together. - Yes. - Believe me, Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter... but for your Kingdom. What am I supposed to do about it? Use your imagination. [whooshing] [whinnies] Oh... Come on in, Your Majesty. [piano plays, people talk] I like my town With a little drop of poison Nobody knows... [barman belches] [clears throat] Excuse me. Do I know you? No, you must be mistaking me for someone else. Uh... excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. - Who's the guy? - Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um... He's an ogre. [crowd gasp] Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There's only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly... he don't like to be disturbed. he don't like to be disturbed. Where could I find him? [knock on door] Hello? Who dares enter my room? Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but I'm told you're the one to talk to about an ogre problem? You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. Would... this be enough? You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre. [ Eels: I Need Some Sleep] [snoring] [chimes] Everyone says I'm getting down too low Everyone says you've just gotta let it go You just gotta let it go I need some sleep Time to put the old horse down I'm in too deep And the wheels keep spinning round Everyone says you've just gotta let it go Everyone says you've just gotta let it go Dear Knight, I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. [plays tune] Dear Diary... Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we'll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. [echoing] Mrs. Fiona Charming. [knock on door] Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. No, no. I was just reading a, uh... a scary book. I was hoping you'd let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier. - Okay... - I don't know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over... - Look, Your Majesty, I just... - Please. Call me Dad. Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other. Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona. [sighs] Shall we say, : by the old oak? [birds twitter] [Shrek] Face it, Donkey! We're lost. We can't be lost. We followed the King's instructions exactly. "Head to the darkest part of the woods..." "Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches." - The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey! - We passed that three times already! You were the one who said not to stop for directions. Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona's dad and I end up lost in the woods with you! Don't get huffy! I'm only trying to help. I know! I know. - I'm sorry, all right? - Hey, don't worry about it. I just really need to make things work with this guy. Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with Daddy. [purring] [purring] Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring? What? I ain't purring. Sure. What's next? A hug? Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a... Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! [hisses] Look! A little cat. - Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! - It's a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. Oh! Come here, little kitty. - [screaming] - Whoa! - Hold on, Shrek! I'm coming! - Come on! Get it off! Get it off! Oh, God. Oh... No! - Look out, Shrek! Hold still! - Get it off! Shrek! Hold still! - Did I miss? - No. You got them. Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from... Puss... in Boots! I'll kill that cat! Ah-ha-ha! [coughs] [wheezes] [retches] [coughs] - [chuckles] Hairball. - Oh! That is nasty! What should we do with him? Take the sword and neuter him. Give him the Bob Barker treatment. Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers... Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? The rich King? Sí. [screams] Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. Don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. Gee, thanks. Maybe Fiona would've been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. That's what the King said. Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her. Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just... I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone... "Happiness." "A tear drop away." Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you! Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway? No, Donkey! I need you to cry! Don't go projecting on me. I know you're feeling bad, but you got to... Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litter-licking sack of... What? Is it on? Is it on? [clears throat] This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client. But if you come by the office, we'll be glad to make you an appointment. Have a "happy ever after." Oh... Are you up for a little quest, Donkey? That's more like it! Shrek and Donkey, on another whirlwind adventure! Ain't no stoppin' us now! Whoo! We're on the move! - Stop, Ogre! I have misjudged you. - Join the club. We've got jackets. On my honor, I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life as you have spared me mine. The position of annoying talking animal has already been taken. Let's go, Shrek. Shrek? - Shrek! - Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him... in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly. - Let's keep him! - Say what? [purrs] Ahh! Listen. He's purring! - Oh, so now it's cute. - Come on, Donkey. Lighten up. Lighten up? I should lighten up? Look who's telling who to lighten up! Lighten up? I should lighten up? Look who's telling who to lighten up! [giggles] Shrek! [barks] [barks] Shrek? They're both festive, aren't they? What do you think, Harold? Um... Yes, yes. Fine. Fine. [sighs] Try to at least pretend you're interested in your daughter's wedding ball. Honestly, Lillian, I don't think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball? Mom. Dad. - Oh, hello, dear. - What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming. Mom, have you seen Shrek? I haven't. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He's a little slow this morning. - Can I help you, Your Majesty? - Ah, yes! Um... Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? That would be the dog's breakfast, Your Majesty. Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric. - Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? - No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look for a nice... mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. Oh. You heard that, huh? The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be... well, a bit of a brute. Him? You know, you didn't exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon. Well, what did you expect? Look at what he's done to you. Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me. Darling, I'm just thinking about what's best for you. Maybe you should do the same. [both whisper] No, really? [both laugh] [Shrek] Shh... Oh... [hooter blasts] Oh, no. That's the old Keebler's place. Let's back away slowly. That's the Fairy Godmother's cottage. She's the largest producer of hexes and potions in the whole kingdom. Then why don't we pop in there for a spell? Ha-ha! Spell! [Puss in Boots shrieks with laughter] [Puss in Boots] He makes me laugh. Hi. I'm here to see the... The Fairy Godmother. I'm sorry. She is not in. Jerome! Coffee and a Monte Cristo. Now! [sighs] Yes, Fairy Godmother. Right away. Look, she's not seeing any clients today, OK? That's OK, buddy. We're from the union. The union? We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign. Oh! Oh, right. Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed? Uh... a little. We don't even have dental. They don't even have dental. Okay, we'll just have a look around. Oh. By the way. I think it'd be better if the Fairy Godmother didn't know we were here. - Know what I'm saying? Huh? - Huh? Huh? Huh? - Stop it. - Of course. Go right in. [voices and grinding machines] [explosion] A drop of desire. [giggles] Naughty! A pinch of passion. [laughs] And just a hint of... lust! [laughs] - [Shrek] Excuse me. - [gasps] Sorry to barge in like this... What in Grimm's name are you doing here? Well, it seems that Fiona's not exactly happy. Oh-ho-ho! And there's some question as to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Ah. P, P, P... Princess. Cinderella. Here we are. "Lived happily ever after." Oh... [laughs] No ogres! Let's see. Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. Oh, no ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. The Golden Bird, the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman... No, no, no, no, no! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. All right, look, lady! Don't you point... those dirty green sausages at me! Your Monte Cristo and coffee. Oh! Sorry. Ah... that's okay. We were just leaving. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. Just... go. Come on, guys. [whistles tune] TGIF, eh, buddy? Working hard or hardly working, eh, Mac? Get your fine Corinthian footwear and your cat cheeks out of my face! Man, that stinks! You don't exactly smell like a basket of roses. - Well, one of these has got to help. - I was just concocting this very plan! Already our minds are becoming one. Whoa, whoa. If we need an expert on licking ourselves, we'll give you a call. Shrek, this is a bad idea. Look. Make yourself useful and go keep watch. Puss, do you think you could get to those on top? No problema, boss. In one of my nine lives, I was the great cat burglar of Santiago de Compostela. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Shrek, are you off your nut? Donkey, keep watch. Keep watch? Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too. I'll be giggling to myself. - What do you see? - Toad Stool Softener? I'm sure a nice BM is the perfect solution for marital problems. - Elfa Seltzer? - Uh-uh. - Hex Lax? - No! Try "handsome." Sorry. No handsome. Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"? Well, what does it do? It says "Beauty Divine." In some cultures, donkeys are revered as the wisest of creatures. Especially us talking ones. [gasps] Donkey! That'll have to do. We've got company. Can we get on with this? Hurry! Nice catch, Donkey! Finally! A good use for your mouth. [ Pete Yorn: Ever Fallen In Love] Come on! You spurn my natural emotions You make me feel like dirt and I'm hurt And if I start a commotion I run the risk of losing you and that's worse Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love In love with someone, ever fallen in love In love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love In love with someone, ever fallen in love With someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with Fallen in love with Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with I don't care whose fault it is. Just get this place cleaned up! And somebody bring me something deep fried and smothered in chocolate! - Mother! - Charming. Sweetheart. This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working. Whoa, what happened here? - The ogre, that's what! - What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be king. We'll just have to come up with something smarter. Pardon. Um... Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. What? Oh... I do believe we can make this work to our advantage. "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. "For you and your true love. "If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. "Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." - You both will be fine? - I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too. Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodoo and let's get out of here. It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be? [sneezes] See, you're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again! Boss, just in case there is something wrong with the potion... allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honor to lay my life on the line for you. Oh, no, no. I don't think so. If there'll be any animal testing, I'll do it. That's the best friend's job. Now give me that bottle. How do you feel? I don't feel any different. I look any different? You still look like an ass to me. Maybe it doesn't work on donkeys. - Well, here's to us, Fiona. - Shrek? - You drink that, there's no going back. - I know. - No more wallowing in the mud? - I know. - No more itchy butt crack? - I know! - But you love being an ogre! - I know! But I love Fiona more. Shrek, no! Wait! [gurgling] [farts] Got to be... I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion. Maybe it's a dud. Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. [thunder rumbles] Uh-oh. What did I tell you? I feel something coming on. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die! Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy. I'm melting! I'm melting! It's just the rain, Donkey. [chuckles] Oh. Don't worry. Things seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you. [hisses] lt'll be better in the morning. You'll see... The sun'll come out... Tomorrow [yawns] Bet your bottom... Bet my bottom? I'm coming, Elizabeth! Donkey? Are you all right? - Hey, boss. Let's shave him. - D-Donkey? [groans] [Puss In Boots shrieks] There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? Dad... I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm going to set things right. Ah! Excellent! That's my girl. It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go back to the swamp where we belong. [Lillian] Fiona, please! Let's not be rash, darling. You can't go anywhere right now. [rain patters] [Both] Fiona! Look, I told you he was here. Look at him! Quiet. Look at him. [Shrek groans] Good morning, sleepyhead. [Shrek shouts] [All] Good morning! We love your kitty! - [Shrek] Oh... My head... - Here, I fetched a pail of water. Thanks. Uhh! Aahh! Oh... A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm... I'm... - Gorgeous! - I'll say. I'm Jill. What's your name? - Um... Shrek. - Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? - You're tense. - I want to rub his shoulders. - I got it covered. - I don't have anything to rub. Get in line. Get in line. - Have you seen my donkey? - Who are you calling donkey? - Donkey? You're a... - A stallion, baby! I can whinny. [whinnies] I can count. Look at me, Shrek! I'm trotting! That's some quality potion. What's in that stuff? "Oh, don't take the potion, Mr. Boss, it's very bad." Pah! "Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. "Not intended for heart patients or those with... nervous disorders." I'm trotting, I'm trotting in place! Yeah! What? Señor? "To make the effects of this potion permanent, "the drinker must obtain his true love's kiss by midnight." Midnight? Why is it always midnight? - Pick me! I'll be your true love! - I'll be your true love. I'll be true... enough. Look, ladies, I already have a true love. [all] Oh... And take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess. And let's face it. You are a lot easier on the eyes. Inside you're the same old mean, salty... - Easy. ...cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been. And you're still the same annoying donkey. - Yeah. - [sighs] Well... Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me. First things first. - We need to get you out of those clothes. - [all gasp] - Ready? - Ready! - [Donkey screams] - Driver, stop! Oh, God! Help me, please! My racing days are over! I'm blind! Tell the truth. Will I ever play the violin again? You poor creature! Is there anything I can do for you? Well, I guess there is one thing. Take off the powdered wig and step away from your drawers. - Not bad. - Not bad at all. [both laugh] Father? Is everything all right, Father? Thank you, gentlemen! Someday, I will repay you. Unless, of course, I can't find you or if I forget. - [whinnies] - [Puss in Boots, in angry Spanish] [ Butterfly Boocher: Changes] [ Butterfly Boocher: Changes] Oh, yeah Turn and face the strange Ch-Ch-Changes Don't wanna be a richer one Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes Turn and face the strange Ch-Ch-Changes Just gonna have to be a different man Time may change me But I can't trace time Halt! Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her. Still don't know what I was looking for And my time was running wild, a million dead-end streets Every time I thought I'd got it made It seemed the taste was not so sweet - [screams] - Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes Turn and face the strange - Shrek? - Ch-Ch-Changes Don't wanna be a richer one Time may change me But I can't trace time Fiona? Hello, handsome. Shrek! - Princess! - Donkey? Wow! That potion worked on you, too? What potion? Shrek and I took some magic potion. And well... Now, we're sexy! Shrek? [purrs] For you, baby... I could be. - Yeah, you wish. - Donkey, where is Shrek? He went inside looking for you. Shrek? Fiona! Fiona! You want to dance, pretty boy? Are you going so soon? Don't you want to see your wife? Fiona? Shrek? Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. Fiona? - Charming? - Do you think so? [laughs] Dad. I was so hoping you'd approve. - Um... Who are you? - Mom, it's me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? [Shrek in distance] Fiona! Fiona! Fiona! - Fiona! - Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don't think they can hear us, pigeon. [sighs deeply] Don't you think you've already messed her life up enough? I just wanted her to be happy. And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She's finally found the prince of her dreams. But look at me. Look what I've done for her. It's time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She's a princess, and you're an ogre. That's something no amount of potion will ever change. But... I love her. If you really love her... you'll let her go. [ Nick Cave: People Ain't No Good] [ Nick Cave: People Ain't No Good] Shrek? Señor. What's going on? Where are you going? You wouldn't have had anything to do with this, would you, Harold? People just ain't no good I think that's well understood There you go, boys. Just leave the bottle, Doris. Hey. Why the long face? It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. I hate Mondays. I can't believe you'd walk away from the best thing that happened to you. What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. Come on. Is he really that good-looking? Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was carved by angels. - Oh. He sounds dreamy. - You know... shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. Look, guys. It's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. Except for you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. Aye. And that's why I have to let her go. Excuse me, is she here? She's, uh... in the back. Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. You'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming. - FYI, not my fault. - No, of course it's not, dear. I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre? No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? - [both] What? - You can't force someone to fall in love! I beg to differ. I do it all the time! Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. - Umm... no. - What did you say? I can't. I won't do it. Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it? - No. - Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. He's all high in the front. He can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back. Oh. Thank you, Mother. [Donkey] Mother? Um... Mary! A talking horse! The ogre! Stop them! Thieves! Bandits! Stop them! (Announcer) The abs are fab and it's gluteus to the maximus here at tonight's Far, Far Away Royal Ball blowout! The coaches are lined up as the cream of the crop pours out of them like Miss Muffet's curds and whey. Everyone who's anyone has turned out to honor Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. And, oh my, the outfits look gorgeous! Look! Hansel and Gretel! What the heck are the crumbs for? And right behind them, Tom Thumb and Thumbelina! - Oh, aren't they adorable! - [screaming] [woman] Here comes Sleeping Beauty! Tired old thing. Who's this? Who's this? Who is this? Oh. It's the one, it's the only... It's the Fairy Godmother! Hello, Far, Far Away! Can I get a whoop whoop? May all your endings be happy and... Well, you know the rest! We'll be right back with the Royal Far, Far Away Ball after these messages. I hate these ball shows. They bore me to tears. Flip over to Wheel Of Torture! I'm not flipping anywhere, sir, until I see Shrek and Fiona. Whizzes on you guys. Hey, mice, pass me a buffalo wing! No, to your left. Your left! - Tonight on "Knights"... - Now here's a good show! We got a white bronco heading east into the forest. Requesting backup. It's time to teach these madcap mammals their "devil may mare" attitudes just won't fly. Why you grabbing me? Police brutality! I have to talk to Princess Fiona! - We warned you! - Ow! Ow! Did someone let the cat out of the bag? You capitalist pig dogs! [shrieks] - Catnip! - That's not mine. Find Princess Fiona! I'm a donkey! Tell her Shrek... I'm her husband, Shrek! Quick! Rewind it! I'm her husband, Shrek! Ow! [knock on door] Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball? I'm not going. The whole Kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage. There's just one problem. That's not my husband. I mean, look at him. Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother. Change? He's completely lost his mind! Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Shrek. But it's the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I'd give anything to have him back. Darling. That's mine. Decaf. Otherwise I'm up all night. Thanks. I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! You can't lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent! You have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity. I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad. Shrek? Donkey? Too late. Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here! Oh... [ Theme from Mission Impossible] Fire in ze hole! [explosion, rumbling] Look out below! Quick! Tell a lie! - What should I say? - Anything, but quick! Say something crazy like "I'm wearing ladies' underwear!" I am wearing ladies' underwear. - Are you? - I most certainly am not! It looks like you most certainly am are! - I am not! - What kind? - It's a thong! - Oww! They're briefs! - Are not. - Are too! - Are not! - Are too! Here we go. Hang tight. [Donkey] Wait, wait, wait! Ow! Ow! Hey, hey, hey! Ow! - Excuse me? - What? Puss! Pardon me, would you mind letting me go? - Sorry, boss. - Quit messing around! We've got to stop that kiss! I thought you was going to let her go. I was, but I can't let them do this to Fiona. Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's coming around! It's impossible! We'll never get in. The castle's guarded. There's a moat and everything! Folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick. - What? - Do you still know the Muffin Man? Well, sure! He's down on Drury Lane. Why? Because we're gonna need flour. Lots and lots of flour. Gingy! Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man! We've got a big order to fill! [evil chuckle] [Gingy] It's alive! [rattling] [gasping] [whinnies] Run, run, run, as fast you can! [screaming] Go, baby, go! There it is, Mongo! To the castle! [Shrek] No, you great stupid pastry! Come on! [all shout] [Donkey] Mongo! Down here! Look at the pony! That's right! Follow the pretty pony! Pretty pony wants to play at the castle! [Mongo] Pretty pony. Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Fiona and her new husband, Prince Shrek. [applause, cheering] Shrek, what are you doing? I'm just playing the part, Fiona. Is that glitter on your lips? Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to taste? - Ugh! What is with you? - But, Muffin Cake... [piano plays] C Minor, put it in C Minor. Ladies and gentlemen. [applause, cheering] I'd like to dedicate this song to... Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance? Where have all the good men gone And where are all the gods? [all chant] Dance! Where's the streetwise Hercules To fight the rising odds? Since when do you dance? Fiona, my dearest, if there's one thing I know, it's that love is full of surprises. Late at night I toss and I turn And I dream of what I need Hit it! I need a hero All right, big fella! Let's crash this party! Man the catapults! Aim! Fire! - Brace yourselves! - Ooh! Purty! [groaning] Not the gumdrop button! [enraged howling] Incoming! Ha-ha! All right! Somewhere after midnight In my wildest fantasy Go, Mongo! Go! Man the cauldrons! After you, Mongo. - That's it! Heave-ho! - Watch out! Shrek! More heat, less foam! Up where the mountains Meet the heavens above Out where the lightning Splits the sea I could swear there is someone Somewhere watching me Heave! Ho! [Gingy, slow-motion] No...! [Mongo groans] [whistles] Come on! [cheering] Look out! - Be good. - [weeping bitterly] [sobbing] He needs me! Let me go! Donkey! Puss! Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go! Today, I repay my debt. [all] Aww... [growling] On guard! He's gotta be strong And he's gotta be fast And he's gotta be fresh From the fight - I need a hero - Stop! [Donkey whinnies] - Hey, you! Back away from my wife. - Shrek? You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone. - Now! - Pigs und blanket! Pinocchio! Get the wand! I see London! I see France! Whah! I'm a real boy! Ah! Ah! Aaahhh! Catch! Donkey! Oh! I'm a real boy. Aah! Oh! - Ha! - Ah. That's mine! Pray for mercy, from Puss... And Donkey! She's taken the potion! Kiss her now! No! - Hi-ya! - [crowd gasp] - Fiona. - Shrek. Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. - [Charming] Mommy! - Mommy? [growls] I told you. Ogres don't live happily ever after. [screams] Woo! Ha! [breathes deeply] [gasping] Oh, Dad! [sobbing] - Is he...? - Yup. [croaking] He croaked. Harold? Dad? I'd hoped you'd never see me like this. - And he gave you a hard time! - Donkey! No, no, he's right. I'm sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now... she already has it. Shrek, Fiona... Will you accept an old frog's apologies... and my blessing? Harold? I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve. You're more that man today than you ever were... warts and all. [ribbits] [clock chimes] [clock chimes] Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? - What? - Because if you kiss me now... we can stay like this. You'd do that? - For me? - Yes. I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after... with the ogre I married. Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! [sobbing] [clock chimes] Whoa! No. No, no. Aaah! Ow. Oh, no. [sighs] [laughs] Hey. You still look like a noble steed to me. [giggles] Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. [giggling] [applause] Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta? Uno, dos, quatro, hit it! [ Eddie Murphy/Antonio Banderas: Livin' La Vida Loca] [ Eddie Murphy/Antonio Banderas: Livin' La Vida Loca] Puss and Donkey, y'all... She's into superstitions Black cats and voodoo dolls - Sing it, Puss! - I feel a premonition That girl's gonna make me fall Here we go! She's into new sensations New kicks in the candlelight She's got a new addiction For every day and night She'll make you take your clothes off And go dancing in the rain She'll make you live her crazy life But she'll take away your pain Like a bullet to your brain Upside inside out Living la vida loca Hey gorgeous! Living la vida loca Her lips are devil red And her skin's the color of mocha She will wear you out - Living la vida loca - [Donkey] She livin' it loca! Living la vida loca - [Donkey] Say it one more time now! - Living the vida loca [Puss in Boots jamming] [Puss in Boots] Hey, Donkey, that's Spanish! She'll push and pull you down Living la vida loca She will wear you out Living la vida loca Living la vida loca She'll push and pull you down Living the vida loca Her lips are devil red And her skin's the color of mocha She will wear you out Living la vida loca Living la vida loca Living la vida loca Living la vida loca All by myself All by myself Don't wanna be All by myself anymore... Amigo, we are off to the Kit-Kat Club. Come on, join us. Thanks, compadre. I'm... I'm not in the mood. We will cheer you up! Find you a nice burro! [shrieking] Hey, baby! Hey, that's my girl! Yeah! All right! Baby, where you been? - [cries] - I'm sorry, too. I should've stayed. But Shrek had this thing he had to do. What? Say it one more time. What you talking about? Are you serious? - [cooing] - [gasping] - Papa! - [screaming] - [cooing, squealing] - [chuckling] Look at our little mutant babies! [Donkey] I got to get a job. [Donkey] I got to get a job. Special help by SergeiK
hi guys you throught i was gone but here i am ! back and shrekier then ever
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